When a customer buys a product from Amazon, sometimes they leave a helpful review for other potential buyers. Sometimes those reviews are actually helpful, and sometimes they’re just good for a laugh. All of the reviews on this list are funnier than they are useful— but that’s totally fine with us.
Stay tuned until the end of the article for a story about sugar-free gummy bears that may make you feel a little queasy.
I Wonder If This UFO Detector Actually Works
This customer had a lot to say about this very legitimate UFO detector: “I, as a reasonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.
As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp. UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha” —A Trustworthy Human
This Customer Really Knows How To Relax
Amazon customer Sailoil left a rather interesting review on this relaxation capsule device:
“One drawback, when it was delivered the capsule had no bolt on the outside. But I’m handy, so I installed one. I have been locking the wife and kids into the chamber from 7pm to 7am every evening, and boy am I relaxed. This really works.” Well, that’s one way to reduce your stress levels. I really hope that this is just a joke.
The Perks Of Being A TSA Agent
Amazon customer “prd” left a pretty humorous review on this airport security toy set:
“I will never need to buy toothpaste again thanks to Playmobil. Not realizing this was a toy I purchased it to prepare for my interview as a TSA agent. Needless to say I aced it and have been happily viewing xrays of carry-on luggage and shoes ever since. As noted above, the free toothpaste is just icing on the cake – never expected a free lifetime supply, but who’s complaining. This is a “must-have” for any aspiring TSA agent out there.”
The Classiest Hat In The Land
Amazon customer Timothy Poteet left a review on a milk carton hat that actually makes me want to go out and buy a milk carton hat…
“Those of you who follow my reviews know that I have a fondness for classy headware. When I go out to the discos, I like to be looking my best and I needed a hat that would go nicely with my white Saturday Night Fever style leisure suit. The Milk Carton Hood Adult Hat looked promising. I have a silk shirt that perfectly matches the blue writing on the carton and a lot of ladies have told me that when I combine the Milk Carton Hood Adult Hat with that particular shirt, it really draws attention to my “pretty blue eyes” (blush). A hat like this exudes confidence. It says “Hey ladies… I’m different… I have my OWN type of swagger…” For the finely appointed gentleman, this hat will make a classy addition to your hat collection.”
You Need This Inflatable Toast
Customer PositiveLastAction is pretty sure that this is the only inflatable toast for you if you’re in the market for some inflatable toast:
“I have used many different types of inflatable toast an I can say without question that this is the best inflatable toast out there. The toast inflates quickly and with ease… this is important when I am pressed for time and need inflatable toast at a moments notice. If you are like me and can’t be without a high-quality inflatable toast, THIS is the one for you!”
As Fresh As It Gets
Amazon Customer Ty left a brief but hilarious review on this fresh whole rabbit. I have a lot of questions about this product— like how fresh are we talking? And where does one even find a whole rabbit? And more importantly, why would anybody want this?
Ty said, “I was sent a live rabbit, a hammer and a skinning knife. It doesn’t get fresher than this, folks.” Well, I guess fresh is good.
Just What I’ve Always Wanted
Amazon reviewer DK9777 said: “I’ve been searching for a good body fat replica for years. You think it would be easy, right? But it’s not. Some are not nearly pliant enough. Some look too fake. I even found one that was actually greasy and just not good for my body fat demonstrations.
But that’s not the case this time! This is the best five-pound body fat replica on the market. If you show this baby to someone carrying an extra forty pounds, they are sure to take notice. Show it to your kids and they will suddenly want to go outside and play. It might be the premier body part replica on the market–even better than dirty lungs, clogged arteries, or decaying teeth! Bonus points for the realistic blood vessels!”
Duct Tape Will Always Be There For You
Amazon customer honeybearsf had an interesting story to tell about this particular brand of duct tape:
“When we found cracks in the containment structure, we used to have to shut the whole plant down; then there was a lot of hassle with the nuclear regulatory agency about structural integrity and environmental contamination. With this quality duct tape, that’s all in the past. Now, when we see a cracked or crumbling wall, we just bring out the tape. The slate blue blends right in. I do recommend that you use double layers for openings near the reactor core.”
The Perils Of A Well Titled Book
Amazon user KT bought this book online and then left a warning to other potential book buyers. This book does what it promises, apparently. It’s a funny book if funny is what you’re after. But it is possible to be too funny. KT learned that the hard way.
He wrote, “Everyone who comes to my apartment and reads this book dies laughing. Now all my friends are dead.” I guess KT is just like the dinosaurs, then.
The Elephant In The Room
Helen seemed to get a lot of use out of this product. She left this very silly review on Amazon:
“This stuff is brilliant. I too have made my herd of elephants invisible to the human eye. I’m sure you know what’s coming next. I have no flipping clue where my elephants are. Only by carefully inspecting the butter dish can I tell when they have been in the fridge. For all I know they have left the country or are carrying out a series of bank robberies. Keep ’em peeled, folks. So 5 stars for effectiveness but only 1 for utility. I can’t for the life of me even remember why I wanted to paint my pachyderms in the first place.”
Knock (Or Chew) On Wood
Amazon user Mister Quickly had a few things to say about these cinnamon toothpicks:
“This product advertises itself as “low-in-fat, high-in-taste.” This is marvelous because I am on a diet. A good majority of us lack the digestive enzymes necessary to process wood. Although, my colleague Gareth Mitchell Headgraves is a rarity. I admit I become anxious when I leave himself alone in a room with a good piece of teak. In any case, despite a few misguided efforts, I cannot digest wood and will reaffirm that for most of us this product is low in fat.”
He Will Watch Over Us Always
I have no idea what this spiky gold thing is, and neither does Amazon user A. Christian-Richardson. He wrote, “I have no idea about what this thing is supposed to do but it’s a wonderful surrogate for my dead hedgehog. RIP Mr. Prickles.”
Poor Mr. Prickles. I hope he’s living his best life in hedgehog heaven. Maybe Mr. Richardson should get a new hedgehog instead of this spiky golden oblong container.
Don’t Try This At Home
Kristen B, a very brave Amazon user, left this ridiculous review on a particularly ridiculous product:
“So finally a weight loss product that I can use, and has results! I have so far used 2 of the kits and the first time was really messy and I almost died. I passed out after the 2nd incision to plant the bypass and passed out. I bled out all over and luckily my yellow lab ran outside after walking in my blood, my neighbors got concerned and called 911. I was saved after losing a large amount of blood. My dog saved my life! The second operation I was drunk and was able to perform with little to no side effects other than a nasty scar and an infection that took about 1 month to heal, but all is good and I am skinny now! .. I am so happy I got this kit as who need exercise and eating right! I can eat all I want and every 6 months there is truly a quick fix to weight loss!”
For People Who Just Like To Spend Money
I’m not exactly sure what this is supposed to be, but Amazon user Nathaniel Granatir had a lot to say about it:
“All I can say is: WOW! I’ve had regulatory cost recovery fees before, and this one blows them all away! As usual, I was a bit skeptical at first, but after paying the regulatory cost recovery fee for a couple months I was hooked! I’ll _never_ go back to my old regulatory cost recovery fees!! Now some of you may not be convinced, and you may think the price is a bit high, and it is – but you have to think about the value you’re getting. I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to pay a little bit more and get a more feature-rich and reliable regulatory cost recovery fee. And frankly, I wouldn’t want my money going to a fee that I wasn’t 100% sure would recover my regulatory cost. So in conclusion, if you’re looking for a great, albeit somewhat pricey regulatory cost recovery fee, you can’t go wrong with this one!”
A Nickel For Your Thoughts
This product was going for $4.55 on Amazon, which seems a little bit odd given that a nickel is worth exactly five cents. Joshua D. Nathan had this to say:
“A nickel for $4.55 seems a bit excessive, don’t you think? Pretty sure I can get this for something like 9100% less elsewhere. But I want to emphasize that this is a great product. I own several nickels myself, and find that they constantly come in handy.”
The Shirt Everyone Has But Nobody Has Ever Asked For
Someone definitely brought a shirt like this to you from Colorado or something. You didn’t want it. You didn’t ask for it. And yet, it’s in your pajama drawer. I don’t know why anybody would buy a shirt like this on the internet. Amazon user B. Govern came up with a few reasons, though:
“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him. I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.”
The Best Personal Tank On The Market
Amazon shopper Thomas Dunham let us know exatly how he feels about this Badonkadonk Land Cruiser:
“I’ll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I’ve purchased overpriced, so-called “battle tanks”, then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter. But not this baby, no way. The only real negative with this tank is that it shows up on radar a little more than I like (although there is a polyresin graphite stealth model available). Also, the included spare isn’t full size. Overall, a great tank.”
For People Who Like To Go Fast, Even When They’re Sitting Still
Amazon user Jamie O’Shaughnessy thought he’d make internet shopping a little bit for fun for everyone by leaving this comment on the Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk:
“This awesome bit of kit changed my life. The extra hours of work I could get in whilst driving on the freeway has made me so much more productive. In fact, I directly attribute this to my improved bonuses and recent promotion! If you want to get ahead, get one of these.”
An Insufficient Banana Slicer
Look, it isn’t that hard to slice up a banana with a knife. If you want a fancy banana slicer, that’s fine, but just know that knives have been around for ages and you have at least twenty in your house. Amazon shopper Jim Anderson was also unimpressed with this device:
“I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”
It’s Not An Actual Wheel
When cheese is sold in wheel form, that just means that the cheese is wheel-shaped. That doesn’t mean that you should affix said cheese to your car or bicycle and actually attempt to use it as a wheel. Amazon reviewer Thomas A. Ertman learned this the hard way:
“This should be called a ‘cylinder’ of cheese. Lasted two seconds on my Corolla and then the whole thing came apart on the highway.”
Why Does Everyone Have One Of These?
These horse head masks have become a lot more common in recent years. It seems like everybody and their brother has one. Amazon user Ian seems to think that there’s a good reason for that. Basically, if you don’t have one of these yet, you might want to get one.
Ian says: “The biggest question I get asked is, “Why do you have that?” I simply reply, “Why don’t you have one” and then gallop away and eat some grass.”
This Milk Is Revolutionary
Have you guys heard of milk? You know, you can buy milk on Amazon and it’s good for all kinds of stuff. You can drink it, you can cook with it, you can mix it with chocolate syrup… Did you know that milk comes from cows? Crazy, I know. Amazon shopper J. Fitzsimmons had this to say about whole milk:
“Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”
What A Great Price For Such An Odd Item
Amazon user brutus was very impressed with this wood toilet seat PDF download for only $495.00:
“This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day. Now today, here I am surfing Amazon and wouldn’t you know it? The 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China. I am so happy the price seems reasonable. I’m thinking Amazing Anniversary Present!!!!!!”
Just What I’ve Always Wanted
Have you ever been minding your own business when all of a sudden you felt like you needed some wolf urine in your life? This thing has all kinds of uses. What I’m wondering is how does this company collect all of that wolf urine. Amazon user Glenn Birkemeier had this to say:
“Today is Valentine’s Day and I hoped that a little splash of this would drive my lady wild. But alas… I sleep alone again. Also I keep hearing all this howling outside my bedroom.”
Everyone Needs Uranium Ore
Amazon user Patrick J. McGovern found this product online and decided that he needed to comment on it. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. This uranium ore can’t be real, right? I mean, it’s not safe to send actual radioactive materials through the post…
Patrick wrote, “I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.” I guess that’s how uranium works.
A Gummy Mistake
Every so often, you find an Amazon product review that’s just pure gold this is one of those reviews:
“My flight was leaving at 8 in the morning. After awaking and trying to get to the airport, I forgot to grab something to eat. I usually take my time and do things in order, but not this day. I was traveling from Boston to LA coming home from a work trip. I do it regularly so nothing was new to me. I stayed in the same hotel and knew the time I needed to leave to get to the airport on time. During my work trip, I stopped at a convenience store and saw these gummy bears and thought they would be a perfect gift for my son Charlie. He loves gummy bears and gummy worms. So the morning I was to head back to LA, I slept through my alarm. That never happens. I rushed to get out of the hotel and threw those gummies in my carry on bag to make it on time to the airport. After speeding and filling up gas in the rental, I made it to my gate as they were boarding…
The Calm Before The Storm
“I get on the plane and head down the aisle to find my window seat near the middle of the plane. I asked politely for the two adorable older ladies siting in the middle and aisle seats if I could pass by to my seat. They obliged.
The lady in the middle must have been around 80 years old so it took her some time to get up and make sure she was holding on to something so she didn’t fall as she stepped into the aisle. I thanked them as I sat and settled into my seat…”
The Chaos Begins
“Fast forward 20 minutes as we reach our cruising altitude of around 30,000 feet in the air. As I reach into my carry on bag to grab my headphones, I see the gummy bears. Since I am hungry and need something, I decided to open them up and just have a few to hold me over until we land.
I wanted to save some for my son so I maybe had 4 or 5. But I had 4 or 5 too many because once the bears had a few minutes to adjust to their new home, they began to work…”
When All Else Fails, Pray
“It started out with a little cramp. Which is normal with gassing on a plane. You do not want to fart on a plane so you hold it in. It is airplane etiquette. It would come and go over a few minutes so I thought nothing of it. Then it got worse.
The cramps intensified, the sweating started, and I began to notice the older ladies looking over at me. About 30 minutes into eating these bears, my thinking went from, “Oh these are just farts, I can hold them,” to “Oh dear God not here.” I have been a Christian my whole life and this is the test. If there is a God, please help me leave this plane with my dignity intact…”
Stuck Between A Plane And A Smelly Place
“After waiting for the intense cramp wave to pass, I stood up and jump over those two women. I could not wait for them to stand so I stood up, (my back facing them) and tried to shimmy pass them. I think a toot came out cause I heard one say, “Oh Lord, was that you?”
After reaching the aisle, I waddled to the back of the plane where the least amount of risk would be. To my dismay, it was in use. That left one bathroom left in the front. I looked down the aisle and saw my Mt. Everest. I had to somehow keep my wet cheeks tighter than Fort Knox whilst waddling forward, whilst praying no one gets out of their seats.”
Thank Goodness For On Flight Washrooms
“After 5 minutes of stop and go, I made it to the bathroom and was pulling my pants down as I entered the bathroom. The door was still unlocked as the sweet release was underway. I thought I died. I thought this was it.
Even though I was on the throne confessing my sins, I thought my time was called. I lost count on how many knocks at the door there was. I must have been in there for 45 minutes, but I made it…”
He’s Never Going To Live This Down
“I washed my hands, and threw water in my face to calm me down. Opening the door, I saw the faces looking back at me. Apparently, the seal to the bathroom was not air tight. Letting just the slightest airflow from that bathroom to the main cabin possible.
These were daughters, mothers, and children looking at me. I could feel their questions and comments. “What have you done?” “We still have 2 hours left.” “Please divert this plane.””
Enjoy Gummies Responsibly
“As I began walking down, the man in the first row of first class grabbed my arm. He said, “Hey man, where is your seat?” Confused, I told him and he said, “Go get your stuff and come back and sit here, you need this more than me.”
I was embarrassed and ashamed. I had a family at home waiting for me. I recommend these bears to anyone. But please eat them responsibly.” And that ends our gummy bear saga. I hope you learned a valuable lesson about the laxative effects of sugar-free candy.