Nothing in life is inevitable except for death and taxes. That might be depressing, but these obituaries make facing the inevitability of death just a little easier. All of these final notices are super well-written. Some are funny, some are sad, and some are just plain weird, but they all remind us that life is short. So live it up while you still can.
I’m kind of sad that I never got to meet any of these people while they were alive because most of them sound pretty darn awesome. Keep reading for a woman who included her bra size in her obituary, the shortest obituary in the world, and a man who never heard his wife break wind.
Emily Phillips Is Sad To Report That She Has, In Fact, Passed Away
Photo Credit: legacy.com
“It pains me to admit it, but apparently, I have passed away. Everyone told me it would happen one day but that’s simply not something I wanted to hear, much less experience.
Once again I didn’t get things my way! That’s been the story of my life all my life.”
Well, That Escalated Quickly
This obituary starts off like your average death announcement, and then things go from 0 to 100 real quick. First a whole bunch of normal details about when she was born and who she was related to, and then,
“She will not be missed by Gina and Jay, and they understand that this world is a better place without her.“
James William Adams Didn’t Get His Last Wish
“He was sadly deprived of his final wish, which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a date. True to his personal style, he spent his final hours joking with medical personnel, cussing and begging for narcotics and bargaining with God to look over his loving dog, Biscuit, and his family.
He would like to thank all ‘his ladies’ for putting up with him the last 30 years.“
`A Satirical Obituary For The King Of Satire
“William Donaldson, who died on June 22 aged 70, was described by Kenneth Tynan as ‘an old Wykehamist who ended up as a moderately successful Chelsea pimp’, which was true,
though he was also a failed theatrical impresario, a crack-smoking serial adulterer and a writer of autobiographical novels; but it was under the nom de plume Henry Root that he became best known.”
Selma Koch, Famed Brassiere Maven
“Selma Koch, a Manhattan store owner who earned a national reputation by helping women find the right bra size, mostly through a discerning glance and never with a tape measure, died Thursday at Mount Sinai Medical Center. She was 95 and a 34B.“
Thank you for your service, Ms. Koch.
His Children Will Grow Up To Avenge Their Father’s Untimely Death
“Purmort, Aaron Joseph age 35, died peacefully at home on November 25 after complications from a radioactive spider bite that led to years of crime-fighting and a years long battle with a nefarious criminal named Cancer, who has plagued our society for far too long.
Civilians will recognize him best as Spider-Man, and thank him for his many years of service protecting our city.”
He Holds A Grudge, Even In The Afterlife
“He has a passion for cars, motorcycles and entertaining family and friends, hunting, fishing, and remodeling. His motto: ‘Accomplish what you can because tomorrow ain’t promised.’
He stayed busy. He leaves to cherish his memories of his wife, children and grandkids, a host of backstabbing mother f*****s that still owe him money.”
A Lover Of Waffles Who Will Live On Forever
Waffle House lost a loyal customer on April 30, 2013. Antonia W. ‘Toni’ Larroux died after a battle with multiple illnesses: lupus, rickets, scurvy, kidney disease and feline leukemia… Toni had four sisters…they inherited their unique sense of humor from their father, Paul ‘P. Marvelous’ White. He gave nicknames to all the girls such as ‘tittle mouse,’ ‘kittycat,’ ‘bouder bounce,’ ‘spooker mcdougle’ and ‘poodle pump.’
Anyone wearing black will not be admitted to the memorial. She is not dead. She is alive.”
The Greatest Gift This Man Left Behind Was His Obituary
Bill Eves’ obituary is a work of art. His dedication to flatulence education will never be forgotten. I didn’t even know him, and I miss him.
How is it even possible that he was married for 50 years and he never heard his wife fart? Is she superhuman, or is he hard of hearing?
He Will Be Remembered For His Impeccable Sense Of Humor
“Louis J. Casimir Jr. bought the farm Thursday, Feb. 5, 2004, having lived more than twice as long as he had expected and probably three or four times as long as he deserved.
For more than six decades, he smoked, drank, and ate lots of animal fat, but never had a serious illness or injury…His last wish was that everyone could be as lucky as he had been, even though his demise was probably iatrogenic…Lou was a daredevil: his last words were ‘Watch this!‘”
A Good Time To Make Some Tongue-In-Cheek Confessions
“I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters ‘PhD‘ even stood for.
For all of the Electronic Engineers I have worked with, I’m sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and were well engineered, and I always made you laugh at work.”
Mary A. “Pink” Mullaney Was Full Of Life Advice
“If a possum takes up residence in your shed, grab a barbecue brush to coax him out. If he doesn’t leave, brush him for twenty minutes and let him stay. Let a dog (or two or three) share your bed. Say the rosary while you walk them.
Go to church with a chicken sandwich in your purse. Cry at the consecration, every time. Give the chicken sandwich to your homeless friend after mass. Never say mean things about anybody; they are ‘poor souls to pray for.’ Put picky-eating children in the box at the bottom of the laundry chute, tell them they are hungry lions in a cage, and feed them veggies through the slats.“
This Guy Was Truly One Of A Kind
“William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69. We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.
He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don’t open these at work). Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.”
Wow, Dolores, What Did You Do?
“Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.
There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.”
Keeping It Short And Sweet
Sometimes less is more. Douglas Legler requested the world’s shortest obituary. Looks like his family delivered.
I don’t know who his family is, because their names aren’t included in the obituary, but maybe it’s better that way. You come into the world alone, you go out alone, and all that other fluff doesn’t matter.
Chan Holcombe Was As Hardcore As They Come
“Chan Holcombe, 72 of Fort Smith passed away Thursday, October 13, 2011. He was born July 14, 1939 in a Log Cabin in Bates, AR to the late Ralph and Inez Holcombe and was circumcised with his Dad’s pocketknife.
He loved to fish and caught a lot of crappie. He was an Air Force Veteran, a member of the Disabled American Veterans, and an Entrepreneur”
Anybody Need A Whole bunch Of Car Parts?
“Christian Louis Hacker, 67, better known as Lou Hacker, of Valatie died April 9, 2015 at the Samuel Stratton Veterans Administration Hospital in Albany, leaving behind a hell of a lot of stuff his wife and daughter have no idea what to do with.
So, if you’re looking for car parts for a Toyota, BMW, Triumph, Dodge or Ford between the years of about 1953-2013, or maybe half a dozen circular saws, still in their boxes with the Home Depot receipts attached, you should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch.'”
Raymond Alan “Big Al” Brownley Was Too Good For Us
“He despised canned cranberry sauce, wearing shorts, cigarette butts in his driveway, oatmeal, loud-mouth know-it-alls, Tabasco sauce, reality TV shows, and anything to do with the Kardashians.
Big Al was known for his timeless words of wisdom, including ‘Life is hard; but it’s harder if you’re stupid’ and ‘Don’t be a jackass.’ He had a life-long ménage a trois with his homemade chili and Gas-X.”
He Laughed Until The Very End
“James ‘Jim’ Groth made his last wildly inappropriate and probably sarcastic comment on July 28th. Jim was born and immediately dubbed ‘our favorite child’ to John and Joan Groth in March of 1963. Their constant love, support, and caring far exceeded anything Jim deserved…
Jim died knowing that Monty Python and the Holy Grail was the best movie ever. Bruce Springsteen best recording artist, Clint Eastwood the baddest man on the planet, and that chicks dig El Caminos. His regrets were few but include eating a rotisserie hot dog from a convenience store in the summer of 2002, not training his faithful dog Rita to detect cancer, and that no video evidence exists of his prowess on the soccer field or in the bedroom.”
Can You Smell The Bacon Burning?
“Richard Norton Bacon (Rick) of Lumberton has left the building. His friends will tell you he’s in a better place. The rest will say they can smell the Bacon burning. He is stress-free and at peace.
The curtain came down on Thursday night at Southeastern Regional Medical Center.”