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CASH ANNUAL REPORT CASH in Financial Crisis - Please send donations NOW! Every Thousand Dollars You Send Will Keep Well, the Lord -- along with a battalion of lawyers, accountants, private investigators and bill collectors -- has truly blessed Christians Are Saving Homosexuals in its first year of operation. But we are yet to see a profit! Now, while we are technically a "not-for-profit" organization, there is no need to take this designation any more literally than the Christian Coalition takes its "not a political organization" tax-status. While I am pleased that we have helped some scurrilous homosexuals to become Former-Gays, we simply must have more money available if we are going to achieve our goal by the Millenium: To turn every gay man in America into a God-fearing, We simply HAVE to have more Former-Gays, as I can barely keep up with our commitments to license Former-Gays to conservative Christian organizations' pot-luck suppers. Truly, they are getting tired of CASH trotting out the same three or four faces - especially as one of them has the alarming propensity to break into "It's Liza With A 'Z'" at Rotary Meetings the minute the spotlight hits the podium. Now, our financial picture has not been entirely cloudy. I have been particularly surprised by the healthy sales at the new CASH Gift of God Shop, which is stocked and run under the wonderful direction of Former-Gay Anthony "Sophonda Peters" Jenkins. Anthony "Sophonda Peters" Jenkins has done a wonderful job of picking out items that the Newly-Heterosexual seem to want to buy! With his eagle-eye, he has stocked the shelves with things I would never have dreamed of, but have been selling like hot-cakes. GIFT-FROM-GOD SHOP SALES: Amyl-Nitrate Video Head Cleaner(1) $ 986 Wet(R) personal moisturizer(2) $ 2,765 Leather harnesses(3) $ 854 Traditional Greek Wrestling video rentals(4) $ 675 Late fees on Traditional Greek Wrestling rentals(5) $ 2,345 Re-sale at prayer meeting to real women of confiscated Estee Lauder products $ 563 One size 12 leopard mule $ 14 Re-sale of sequins, button collections and boas $ 239 "I CASHed in this $3 Bill!" T-shirts $ 378 "We Love Our Son Again! Thank you CASH!" T-shirts $ 1,569 One Steve Lawrence & Edyie Gormet Franklin Mint nut dish $ 104 OTHER ASSETS: CASH dues $ 348,725 Confiscated Real Property foreclosed on for late payments(6) $1,452,988 Licensing Fees to Christian Pro-Family Organizations(7) $ 786,992 Licensing Fees to Sensationalistic Talk-Shows(8) $1,298,037 LIABILITIES: Salary for full time secretary(9) $ 12,450 Pamphlet printing $ 157 Telephones $ 450 Electricity $ 676 Mrs. Bowers' Bentley lease $ 28,450 Miscellaneous expenses to Mrs. Bowers from petty cash $1,885,000 Size 8 Tom Ford outfits suitable for public appearances $ 256,987 Commemorative Crucifix Broach awarded to Mrs. Bowers (10) $ 135,700 Fees to private investigators(11) $ 123,034 Legal expenses(12) $ 239,000 Discretion Fees(13) $ 56,000 Mrs. Bowers' weekly hair salon bill(14) $ 2,560 High-voltage electro-shock apparatus(15) $ 745 Philippine prostitutes(16) $ 7,987 Licensing fees for the image of Friend Of Our Lord Jerry Falwell(17) $ 1,422 1) So nice to see our CASH boys taking care of their equipment! Another sign that "the miracle" of masculinity is taking - an interest in electronics rather than divans! [back] 2) Some may argue that selling a petroleum based personal moisturizer is encouraging vanity in our CASH boys, and I initially agreed, but you wouldn't believe the friction that was caused by my suggestion to pull this product from the Gift Shop shelves! [back] 3) Anthony tells me this is to relieve back pain when using gardening tools (what a clever idea!) [back] 4) One of the clearest signs that our Former Gays are no longer homosexuals - they have all developed a keen interest in sports! Praise! [back] 5) Our profits on these video rentals have been lessened somewhat by the number of tapes we have had to replace. I have asked Anthony to put the Wet Personal Moisturizer and the video in separate bags from now on, as we are getting a lot of tapes back absolutely drenched in Personal Moisturizer that must be seeping out in the bag on the way home. [back] 6) Cash is now the proud owner of some lovely in-town condominiums, which all sport wonderful wall-finishes, but tend to be decorated in a style either too industrial or Louis for use by CASH board members. But they are priced to move and all proceeds with go towards Mrs. Bowers' Portofino CASH Outreach Program (what a perfect place to find potential Former-Gays -- a month at a glamorous resort. How great He art!) 7) Some fees were waived in exchange for use by Mrs. Bowers of Ministries' private planes if such aircraft were Lear or Gulfstream and capable of a transatlantic trip without an annoying refueling stop. [back] 8) Some have asked why CASH charges talk-shows less per appearance than it charges Churches. The reason is simple: money. With television, CASH participates in syndication fees; with churches, it is a regrettable one-shot deal that is often not even worth our time. [back] 9) You should see this amount drop next year. Angell, my secretary of 12 years, had the temerity to suggest that I wasn't paying her enough to feed a family of four. I reminded her that it was her decision to drive her successful husband into the arms of another, more attractive, woman and that CASH was just barely squeaking by as it was. Naturally, I fired Angell, and will replace her with a more grateful minion who better appreciates the fact that they are otherwise unemployable. [back] 10) This may seem like a lot, but this lovely award was rendered in a manner befitting the King of Kings - in diamonds with lovely pink sapphires! It was a lovely surprise for the Board of Directors of CASH to award me with this piece of quality jewelry for all my hard work as its sole director and officer - as if helping miscreant homosexuals weren't award enough! [back] 11) This money was used to acquire photographic evidence of Former Gays in the act of "lapsing" so that we would have evidence in court that they had breached the "no taking it up the butt" clause of their contract with CASH. It was also used to search for assets hidden by crafty Former Gays that CASH could go against to fully collect the $50,000 liquidated damages for each lapse provided for in the CASH standard form contract. [back] 12) This was money paid to Mr. Bowers to draft CASH contracts with clients, licensing agreements, and to sue lapsed or tardy-paying Former Gays and their extended families in every court in the land until all CASH claims had been fully satisfied - with interest. [back] 13) A nominal fee paid by each Former Gay in consideration for CASH's non-binding agreement not to release their names to media while they are current on all dues and miscellaneous fees. This number should be higher next year, as Mrs. Bowers has decided to quadruple the Discretion Fee after making examples out of some of the Former Gays who are days late in paying "No Lapse Into Cross-Dressing Insurance" premiums by releasing their names to the National Enquirer. [back] 14) I reluctantly undergo this weekly stylish cut and custom-color as part of CASH's outreach program. What better venue can there possibly be for me to recruit potential Former Gays than to surround myself with stylish, expensive coiffeurs? Praise! [back] 15) One of the many of-this-earth devices we use to coax the Miracle of sexual-identity-conversion out of otherwise willing Former Gays. [back] 16) These tireless servants to our Lord are on hand to provide "positive reinforcement" to dissuade Former Gays from lapsing back into wearing beaded gowns and lip-synching to overly long recordings of histrionic black women. This item is, however, considerably over budget, forcing CASH to explore the possibility of hiring local crack-whores as independent contractors. [back] 17) What better way has our dear Lord given us to ensure that Former Gays find other men sexually repulsive than to provide each CASH participant with a tee-shirt bearing Friend Of Our Lord Jerry Falwell's image? We ran a tad over budget because the unusually round and jowly circumference of Mr. Falwell's head made it impossible to fit it on anything other than XXL tees. [back]
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