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What a Doll!, by Miss Poppy Dixon and Ms. Belinda Hogjowl With the ache of the memory of the recent neo-lynching of gay Wyoming student Matthew Shepard still fresh, I was disturbed to come across an article written by convicted felon Charles Colson last year that unabashedly delights in the perils of some gays. While it is difficult enough to witness the senseless brutality of any hatred, such horrible viciousness becomes even less palatable when voiced in the name of an unwilling co-conspirator, God. In his article, Charles "Chuckie" Colson jumps on the seemingly innocuous advent of "Billy," a gay doll created by British fashion designer John McKitterick, as an excuse to delight in the misfortune of some gays. And what fun he has, verily giggling his way through a litany of human sufferings presumably made amusing to Christians everywhere if they happen to afflict homosexuals. Mr. Colson seems to be concerned that Billy might lead gays and, worse, normal people to have a positive image of gays. That Christians might actually feel good things or compassion for others appears to be unacceptable to Colson. So, Colson conjures new versions of Billy meant to demean gay men and remind everyone that while gays may live a wholly sad existence, they do manage to provide a wonderful vehicle for the merriment of heterosexual Christians to celebrate and chortle over the terminal diseases and misfortunes of others. But, as is so often the case with those only interested in besmirching what they don't understand, it is not enough for Charles "Chuckie" Colson to revel in the affliction of some gays. Instead, he wistfully asserts that all gays are evil, sick, drug-addled people ripe for ridicule. In the spirit of what he describes as "real love," Colson suggests two new versions of Billy, "AIDS Billy," and "STD Billy." Colson suggests that AIDS Billy "would have a body wasted by pneumonia and chronic diarrhea," while STD Billy "would have realistic needle marks on his arms." Both dolls would come with tiny "plastic coffins," as Colson claims the life expectancy of gay males is only 42 years. His information comes from the flawed studies of discredited right wing psychologist Paul Cameron. (1) At this point Colson fantasizes about creating an "Exodus Bob" doll that would help cure gays of their "macabre" lifestyle. But Colson is, as usual, way behind the curve. As everyone knows, Mrs. Bowers, never one to rest idle when there is money to be made, came out with a CASH Billy this past summer and he has been a huge seller. While most dolls are made of hollow plastic, CASH Billy has an even bigger void between his ears, providing a novel place to store car keys, holiday nuts and the pressures of confused and often angry people who, merely to quell their own insecurities, have convinced CASH Billy that even though he came with a heart, they are in a better position to tell him how to use it. But we think Charles Colson missed his best marketing idea. What could be a bigger hit with doll collectors at ballrooms in inexpensive hotels throughout the USA than a "Chuckie" doll? Chuckie would come with several accessories - perhaps a hatchet, as he so often proudly refers to himself as "Nixon's hatchetman." Just the thing for a Wyoming night of carousing! Chuckie would arrive with a Deluxe Maximum Security "Slammer" Playhouse - the perfect place to slyly employ the other "poky" accessories that no Chuckie would ever be without: (a) several cartons of cigarettes to use as currency, and (b) a little bar of soap to use as an icebreaker before enjoying the "brutal love" of others. He'd also come with his own little AM talk radio show since he'd no longer be able to practice professionally. And each Chuckie doll would come with an electronic home monitoring device on his ankle (two AA batteries not included) so that you could never, ever lose your Chuckie doll - no matter how hard you might try. And you will. But what is Chuckie's favorite accessory? The Chuckie "Special Edition" Bible! Close inspection will reveal that the Chuckie "Special Edition" Bible is a little lighter than most Bibles. Why? All those pesky, inconvenient passages about something called "love" and that guy called "Jesus" have been redacted because they didn't dovetail very well with Chuckie's "real love" - and something had to go! Ý NOTES:1. Information on the career of Paul Cameron, by Gregory M. Herek, Ph.D. 1997. Paul Cameron was expelled from the American Psychological Association in 1983. [back] RESOURCES: 1. PFAW (People for the American Way), Anti-Gay Politics and the Religious Right 2. Queer for Jesus, Adult Christianity Links
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