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Diet Jesus
Jesus at the Oscars
Diet Jesus, by Miss Poppy Dixon
When my friend Gretta was going through her black beret, thin cigerette and journal-writing phase she sat in on a linguistics lecture at our local university. The speaker kept talking about 'diet Jesus' and poor Gretta couldn't figure out WHAT he meant. Finally at the end she realized he was speaking of 'diegesis,' which is a type of narrative or history. Gretta is very thin and spookily religious so it seemed fitting for her to make a mistake of this kind.
But, since it's January, the new year, I'm quite sure not a few of you made resolutions to lose weight. So let's take a look at dieting from a scriptural point of view.
First one of my favorite verses and a pet peeve.
Eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness."Whoever invented the low or no-fat diet is a woman-hater nonpareil. Fat is good. (Meaningful pause.) FAT IS GOOD. And if you've convinced yourself that it doesn't TASTE good I've got a bridge I'd like to sell you. Why do you think God required the FATTED calf for a sacrifice? In fact, if Cain had offered God his plate of crudites slathered in virgin olive oil, unsalted butter, cambazola, basil pesto, chipotle mayonnaise and a crushed olive/sun-dried tomato tepanade the history of civilization may have taken a completely different turn. You can't imagine how good vegetables taste when acquainted with high-quality fats.Isaiah 55:2
Fat Facts
Fat is an appetite suppressant.Fat helps you metabolize carbohydrates.
Fat is necessary to metabolize vitamins that you need.
Fat makes food taste good.
Fat makes your fur shiny.
And finally, God is a chubby chaser -
All the fat is the Lord's.Fat, fat, fat - God can't get enough of it. And while the last verse wanders into another subject altogether, I think you get the drift.Leviticus 3:16
Nay; but thou shalt give it [fat] me now: and if not, I will take it by force.1 Samuel 2:16
They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing.Psalms 92:14
The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.Proverbs 11:25
In the gospels Christ says,
Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.andMatthew 4:4
I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger.John 6:35
This is the TOTAL OPPOSITE of the USDA food pyramid which suggests stuffing oneself on grains and frowning on fats. But let me ask you one question, how do they FAT the calf? With grain!
So for all of you who have aspired to become as thin as supermodels I propose a new ambition. Strive to live the life of a SUPPERmodel. A suppermodel is a man or woman who lives life to the fullest and is not afraid to sit down to a table and enjoy the bounties of heaven and earth. Remember, pesto is a gift from God, and it makes God unhappy when we eschew it.
The bread of life is Christ. Learn, create, express - that will be your bread, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.
Answers to fashion questions:
As far as ethics and morals, what is right and what is wrong?
'Droit' is 'right' and 'gauche' is wrong.
What does the Bible have to say about nipple-less bras?
Now, when I think cluster I think presentation. No self-respecting stylist just plops grapes on a plate. Mais non! Each 'grape' must be lifted and separated. By what, you inquire? The nipple-less bra, of course. In its more pedestrian form the nipple-less bra is know as a nursing bra, with a flip-down section for easy access. And in case you think I'm ignoring the XY contingent among our readers please consider,
"Now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine"Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child.
Thou shalt also suck...the breast of kings
So boys, let's get out those halters and go for a little definitions.
Do cats really taste like chicken?
If you're asking about pussy, no. If you're asking about felines, Miss Poppy is frowning in your direction.
Your fashion computer matched me with the Episcopalean Church, but I'm a practicing Lutheran (Missouri Synod, some ELCA leanings since coming out). Is there hope?
The Religion Typing Computer is ideally utilized with one of our registered Criticians, who would give you a more personalized consultation. The online version provides only gross generalizations, designed to motivate you to schedule a private appointment.
The complexion type 'Episcopalean' also includes the liberal-leaning churches featuring diffused lighting. These include many branches of the Lutheran church including the Missouri Synod.
Do you have a fashion question you'd like to ask?