Jesus at the Oscars, by Poppy Dixon

Jesus, at the Oscars by Miss Poppy Dixon

Fashion was most likely not the first thing on Jesus' mind. Yet we feel the man who claimed God effortlessly clothed the lilies of the field would not be averse to wearing fine fabrics of subtle hue.(1) We wondered then if, like Joan Rivers, Jesus was cast to play the starring role in the story of his life, and he was nominated for an Oscar, what he would wear to the awards ceremony. My first thought was that he would not attend. But our resident Bible scholar said, "Of course he would go! This is a man who entered the church with a whip, for God's sake, and USED IT! He's definitely NOT shy about making an entrance."(2)

While most fundamentalist and evangelical Christians believe that Jesus looks better on the hanger, at Adult Christianity we believe differently. We want Jesus, off the rack, out of the closet and into the scene. While Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever, we're quite sure his handlers would, with key accessories, periodically update his timeless style.(3)

Just picture it. Jesus arm-in-arm with the "disciple-that-Jesus-loved" walking past flashing cameras, posing for reporters. Liz Smith would be falling over herself trying to find out the identity of Jesus' mystery date. Jesus would not wear an ordinary tux. Since in Christ there is no male nor female his clothes would best be described as unisex.(4) I see him in one of Laggerfeld's men's skirts, long, black with an appropriate jacket. (Laggerfeld has the classiest fans.) He'd be wearing a transparent latex beaded shirt , skin-tight (like the Prada) and lace-up boots with big heels, as a nod to his blue-collar roots. His dreads would be like washed silk. Although this is all speculation, I'm quite sure Jesus would not be nailed down to one particular look. I think he would always surprise.

And there's no doubt in my mind that Jesus would win the Oscar. Even though I'm quite sure that Jesus was Black, most people picture him as white. And white men that say sweet, simple things, "Life is like a box of chocolates...," "Definitely time for Wapner...," "Do unto others...," always bring home the gold. Consider "Rain Man," "Forrest Gump," "The English Patient," "Shine," the pig in "Babe." As long as you're white and harmless, anything you say is gospel.

But Jesus was neither. Remember the whip? He didn't take it into a gay bar or an abortion clinic, or even a Talbots. He took it into a church. And he brought the house to its feet.

Because the fashionable have so often been ignored in matters of the spirit, I've rewritten the words of "Jesus Loves the Little Children." Join me in a chorus of:

Jesus loves the latest fashions, all the latest fashions of the world,
body conscious, fit and tight, pulled-together in his sight,
Jesus loves the latest fashions of the world.

Jesus loves the latest fashions, all the latest fashions of the world,
hip new styles, sleek and light, go from day right into night,
Jesus loves the latest fashions of the world.

Answers to last month's queries

Will there be fashion in Heaven?

Considering how many Christians will be there I fear it is unlikely.

Jesus has such long, luxurious locks, do you think he uses a shampoo and conditioner in one? Any relation to Jose Iber?

Funny you should ask. While I am convinced that Jesus was quite Black and had long, silken dreads, others, in fact most, maintain that he was white. When a popular portrait of Jesus was painted in the 1940's the chairman of Wheaton College complained about the "pretty head of Christ," and Robert Roth wrote, "we have a pretty picture of a woman with a curling beard who has just come from the beauty parlor with a Halo shampoo, but we do not have the Lord who died and rose again." The Lutherans were less subtle calling the popular depiction of Christ a "bearded woman."(5)

Sure he died to save the world, but his hair held up. Don't hate him because he's beautiful.

And I understand that Jose Eber is a 102nd cousin of Christ 47 times removed, on his father's side, but only if you don't buy the pagan virgin birth angle.

Do you have a fashion question you'd like to ask?

Notes:

1. Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Matthew 6:28-30
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2. And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of themple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables; And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father's house an house of merchandise. John 2:15
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3. Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever. Hebrews 13:8
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4. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
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5. From Colleen McDannell, "Material Christianity, Religion and Popular Culture in America," (Yale, 1995), pp. 27, 189-193.
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