The Week in Fashion Prophecy, with Poppy Dixon of PostFun

Change is in the air as millennial fever grips our imaginations. Middle class obsessives hopped up on Diet Pepsi crank out the Bible Code in dank suburban basements. Musty cardboard boxes full of binary computer output prove the Bible has prophesied every major event in human history from World War II (that's a stretch) to the 3-day OTC yeast infection cure. But don't be fooled, this is just another instance of Millennial Vanilli.

You don't need a Sun work station to read the handwriting on the wall. For those unfamiliar with the oeuvre of Yaweh but brash enough to ask the hard questions, The Week in Fashion Prophecy may shock and astound you.

God's Fall Collection
When Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden they needed a whole new look. We've ALL been there. God jumped right in to try Her/His hand at fashion.

Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

Genesis 3:21

It's no coincidence that the faithful, led by Pat Boone, are taking a back-to-basics attitude to Christian fashion. Drenched in head-to-toe leather and metal at the American Music Awards Boone explained to his stunned fans that, "God is into leather. The first clothes He made for anybody on this planet, He made them out of leather."

Boone wasn't the first to cast his pearls before the swine, even if they WERE stainless steel instead of nacre.

The Avant-God of Fashion
Many people mistakenly believe that God is not interested in fashion. But would not the same God who clothes the lily and sees the falling of the sparrow follow the rise and fall of hemlines? In fact, one of God's first commandments to Israel concerned fashion.

Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee.

Leviticus 19:19

God was definitely hot for linen that season. In Leviticus 16 She/He goes into great detail about the outfit Aaron is to wear before Her/Him. Linen, linen, linen and yet more linen. And She/He doesn't forget to tell him to PLEASE, take a bath.

Unfortunately, most Christians take a selective attitude towards the Levitical commandments, boldly eating pork and shellfish and wearing with impunity polyester blends that are not only unsightly but highly flammable. While they maintain the importance of following the "moral" commandments, who can calculate the damage done by their flaunting of Leviticus 19:19? Scholars now believe that Jesus was addressing the appalling lack of style among His followers when he ordered them, "Enter into thy closet and PRAY!" Matthew 6:6

Onward Christian LaCroix
Only after a hard day of battle or sports did the manly forefathers who wrote the Bible come home and begin jotting down notes about which prophet or high priest wore what to whose event. Fashion details in the Bible abound. Consider Ezekiel 16 where God metaphorically helps Jerusalem pick out an outfit.

Thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown..I clothed thee with broidered work, and shod thee with badgers' skin, and I girded thee about with fine linen, and I covered thee with silk. I decked thee also with ornaments, and I put bracelets upon thy hands, and a chain on thy neck. And I put a jewel on thy forehead, and earrings in thine ears, and a beautiful crown upon thine head. Thus wast thou decked with gold and silver; and thy raiment was of fine linen, and silk, and broidered work.

Ezekiel 16:7-13

Doesn't this just SCREAM Christian LaCroix, sweetie? See, it's all there! You just have to read the Bible to find it.

And what does God have the VIRTUOUS woman wearing this season?

All her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple...She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles [read corsets, darling] unto the merchant.

Proverbs 31:21-24

Here the Bible foretells the coming of yet another leading Christian, Christian Dior. And the verse above hints perhaps, at the ascension of Vivienne Westwood.

While researching fashion and the Bible I found 22 entries where various prophets and Bible dwellers "rent their clothes." Apparently smart, pulled-together, body-conscious fashion was so scarce that even the high priests could only afford to rent their ensembles. Now that should make you count your blessings! Imagine having to tolerate someone else's pit stains!

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify
This season's pared-down, elegant simplicity was foretold centuries ago by the prophet Isaiah.

In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon, the chains, and the bracelets, and the mufflers, the bonnets, and the ornaments of the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets, and the earrings, the rings, and nose jewels, the changeable suits of apparel, and the mantles, and the wimples, and the crisping pins, the glasses, and the fine linen, and the hoods, and the vails.

Isaiah 3:18-23

Wouldn't you have loved to have gone to THAT estate sale! This passage says to me, sotto voce, Donna Karan, Ellen Tracy and Miuccia Prada. It whispers the clean, easy lines of Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy. Which leaves us with a final fortuituous thought:

and babes shall rule over them.

Isaiah 3:4

We extend our condolences to the House of Versace
on the tragic death of Gianni Versace.

the fashion of this world passeth away.
I Corinthians 7:31