Your measly, misappropriated god is not going to save you now, not even if every one of you christian alterna-geeks got on your collective knee and brain-fellated your aforementioned "father in heaven." For all of your vague allusions to some great, all-knowing patriarch, it is time that you are dancing with the devil, for, as Burchard of Worms put it during his eleventh century tenure, dancing is what "the Devil taught the pagans to do." That sordid statement has proved its providence; nearly a millennia has elapsed since it was spake, an it was during the early part of this very century that jazz - without which rock 'n' roll, let alone "alternative" rock, would have never been borne - was vehemently denounced as "the devil's music." Call it "moshing," "crowd-surfing" or what have ever the corporate cretins command you to label it, it is dancing.

Now, as the 20th Century draws to an end, the christian hordes have given up trying to "beat 'em," and just as they have always perverted that which is practical, have announced their own manner of "joinin' them" by emulating the latest interpretation of rock 'n' roll, rectifying the attitude to reflect their own pathetic and mindless outlook on life.

Were your god to be one of us, then i might understand why he allowed bands such as JARS OF CLAY and all of the up-and-coming poseurs on labels such as Tooth and Nail, Brainstorm, Word Records, Holy Terra and Grapetree to go forth bereft of any appreciable talent; that "he" is said to reside in Heaven and have unimaginable powers, however, leaves me to ponder why he obviously abandoned you lot without so much as a single passage that could even approach the brilliance of Beethoven, the beauty of Bach, the hatred of SLAYER< the anger of PUBLIC ENEMY, the ferocity of MINOR THREAT or the innovation of Frank Zappa, all of whom were influenced by organized religion, be it inspiration or indignation. Even the bands that you brainless blasphemers musically idolize yet refuse to idealistically recognize(NIRVANA, SOUNDGARDEN, LED ZEPPELIN, even VENOM) play music to which you cannot hold a candle.

From hippie folk-music to heavy metal to "alternative" and punk, the mindless masses that comprise your born-again christian rock "revivals" are forever riding the coattails of musical movements that your "God" somehow failed to foresee. In previous centuries, music was composed by those who were inspired by Jesus Christ and the jubilation of a heavenly reward that went without questioning. A silly premise, granted, but the marvelous music made up for the holy hallucinations. The past few decades, however, have seen the new waves of christian "music" pursuing that which their "immoral" idols possess: money, women and fame. If such pleasures of the flesh were not the ultimate goals for the stage-diving sheep that flock to fill the stadiums to see bands such as DC TALK (whose members met at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University; now they are known to cover NIRVANA's "All Apologies" but with one difference: they change an original line, "everyone is gay," to "Jesus is the way", thus practicing an ancient christian ritual to deny the inherent attraction among males) and GRAMMATRAIN (unwitting hypocrites who advocate anti-abortion; one even has an illegitimate daughter to prove his adherence to this ill-founded ideal. Too, these unoriginal grunge-gits have a love for NIRVANA'S music and worldly rewards, as proved by their tribute to Kurt Cobain), perhaps these bands would be as divinely inspired to innovate musical devices as outstanding as a Schoenberg's twelve-tone system (which is commonplace in all styles and derivatives of rock music), Wagner's leitmotiv and resurrection of drama (but as a musical means to an end). Instead, it is far easier for these self-righteous twits to get laid, rich and famous by parroting the party line of right-wing politicians while whining like liberals about how the world has gone awry.

Before i impale your convulsing "sensibilities," however, i will concede that were it not for the pre-Savior (Moses), there would probably be no rock 'n' roll rebellion and all that it entails and has come to represent, for we would all be unfettered in our sexual pursuits. The Exodus, "led" by Moses, was actually the exile of several hundred thousands of leprotic and diseased Egyptians. Even less romantic was the return, a penile-powered repatriation that was guided by Yahweh, who claimed to call himself "Ashir," meaning the "Ever-Erect One." Even "Yahweh" is a name not without an interpretation, one that means "Generative Principle" (which is the anatomical feature recognized otherwise as the cock, for you phallically challenged lot).

God put it straight when he said to Moses, "I am the Erect One."

Unfortunately, Moses was as prude as his horde was horny, and so his brother Aaron took it upon himself to lead the people back to Egypt. Before the return, however, it was not uncommon that masturbation (yiqqumu uli-tza-hiq is yiddish for "cocked up to pound repeatedly"), orgies, homosexual round-robins and circle jerks were the order of the day. Moses, meantime, quite literally had his head in the clouds, for he was meditating in the mountains, consulting his Yahwic oracles.

The above public scenarios are no longer as prevalent as once they were, but still they exist. The desire to pursue such pleasures, however, has always been customary, even if the manner in which it is exhibited is perpetually changing. The many shadowy facades that can be found crowding the burgeoning "alternative music" market can often be attributed to the christians, many of whom are dodgy in revealing their ideals. However, their aims are the same as those they seek to emulate: fame, fortune and , most importantly, sex. Only an absolute peon would actually accept as gospel the belief that is said to be the driving force behind the christian versions of non-mainstream forms of music, and only an absolute idiot would privately deny himself (yes, "him": the only femmes in the christian alt.music scene are those what work coyly in the background or pose for album covers) that the desire to FUCK is ultimately what pushes him to play music in a band that happens to be performing the flavor of the moment. There are those, of course, who attempt to deny themselves the fun of fucking - or at least try to tame the tempest that lies within their shriveled souls - and so, just as their asexual ancestors what substituted for sex the fun of self-flagellation, hair-shirts, public humiliation and other forms of sensual perversion, so too shall you christians continue to perform your surrogate ceremonies in hopes of eventually "getting your feet wet" (you lot should recognize this biblical term as meaning "to lay with a woman").

The christian trend to exterminate music (and thus the cultures around which they built and helped to build) is nearly as old as the institutionalized delusion itself. Much of the music that was established and enjoyed prior to the conception of the christ child has long since been destroyed, for just as the slave owners of the United States perceived of the power of gospel music to inspire their prisoners to stand up in revolt or make for escape, the early christian cretins almost completely annihilated the unconventional music styles of their pagan "savages." As music was inherited orally, the christians sought to prohibit its passage by destroying the instruments and forbidding the music. The Egyptian culture was heavily targeted, and there is much speculation that the reason so little Egyptian music exists is that it was recognized by the christians as a major source of paganism. Try finding resources on Egyptology that mention music and musical instruments, and one is almost guaranteed to discover very little about it.

Another clue to the divine guidance that rectified the christian division of popular music occurred during the same period as the miraculous migration to Graceland. Although ETERNITY EXPRESS barely masked its meaning, the band's disco-styled design on their 1977 album, "Sometimes Only A Song Can Say It Right," had the purpose of netting more than a few new followers who would otherwise be out on the dance floor.

Although the new christian invasion had begun to inscribe an irony in how it sought to (belatedly) copy that which it once shunned while that which but a decade later it would begin to closely duplicate, the style of rock music that was modified during the late 1970s and early 1908s (punk and hard-core, respectively) sought to outwardly oppose not only AOR rock but the ever-present forces of christianity. The ten latest wave of christian rock bands, among them STRYPER, PETRA and JERUSALEM, revealed new shades of subtle deception that the new kingdom had devised. Unfortunately, STRYPER, a band whose imagery openly expressed its christian affinity, was even then a minority (and has since become defunct). The popularity of PETRA, a gospel group whose countenance corresponds to the style of rock that reflects what was previously new, is but a partial picture of how dodgy a band can be. JERUSALEM, whose AEROSMITH/Ted Nugent-influenced arena rock took to hiding their inspirational intentions in such a manner that those who might be easily ensnared by this band's bullshit would not be the only ones taken. Only the record label's imprint, Lamb & Lion Records, and one song ("I Depend on You, Jesus") belied the truth.

The flood gates had been greatly widened, and so flowed forth the holy shit.

Of course, the cashflow of commercial rock radio audiences was not to be an avenue unatteded. Amy Grant, a girl whose early teenage years were brimming with an experimental lust for life, initially redeemed herself with quaint allusions to her past (as witnessed by the title track's opening lines to her 1979 album, "My Father's Eyes": "I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl/And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world." It was also with Gran'ts popularity that the Texas-based Word, Incorporated, of which Grant's record label (Myrrh) was a division, took on the task of tainting the population via contemporary christian tunes. Wrod, which is based in Waco, texas, continues to carry Grant's catalogue, as well as the ever-changing christian icons, PETRA. Billy Ray Hearn, owner of Sparrow Records and creator of ABC's Myrrh label, put it best when he described his dodgy endeavour: "We take the music of the street and apply Christian lyrics to it."

PETRA deserves an inverse description relative to their lengthy career, for they started out as a poorly pushed god-rock band whose cover art concepts were vaguely comparable to the 1970s rock group BOSTON. Should one be desperate enough to waltze into one of the many christian book/music shops that presently poisons the earth, be sure to see how PETRA's uniform has changed to accomodate the grungy image of today's "modern rock."

Unfortunately, one need not seek out such aforementioned christian-sanctified storefronts to find PETRA or any number of the bands whose moralistic motives are well-guarded from initial disclosure. JARS OF CLAY has further widened the aperture, and as the fetid waters around them flow ever heavily, a close examination of mainstream music stores will reveal whole colonies of copy-cat christian bands.

The Current worst of the lot is Tooth & Nail Records. (In case you might be confused, I do not mean the compilation that was released many years ago and that has on it the FLESH EATERS, U.X.A. etc) In the too-cute catalogues that accompany their corporate-minded crap, no alternative stone is left unturned, for one is treated to the trendy images of ridiculously long wallet chains, goatees, androgynous girls, baggy pants, dorky boys, dyed hair, retro-70s schlock, nose-rings, obligatory tattoos and every other clichˇ that is no longer uncommonly found in Rolling Stone and on eMTVy. Were Tooth & Nail to realize the truth in their name, they would run for cover with vain hopes that I shall not fulfill the prophecy that defines the concept from which their plagiarized passage i taken; to be concise (for their illiterate sake), I do mean to use all that is available in waging war against the. When I look at the line-up, what I see cannot be clearly detailed simply by reprinting the two accompanying images that I have taken the liberty to reproduce from one of Tooth & Nail's recent cassette catalogues.

Zooming in for some sniping, let us first have a go at the all-too-easy target that is FOCUSED's 1993 release, "Bow." From the front cover that depicts a war torn landscape (a painting inspired by the results of some unfucked christian warlords, no doubt) to the bullshit about bowing before the latest savior, these five fools make bible-bashing as convenient as fucking newborn sheep (an activity which is a well-documented pastime among early christians). Submission is a running theme throughout these lads' songs, and why not? I have yet to encounter simple minds that are able to break out of the habit of exhibiting great praise for those under whose thumbs they are so gleefully quashed Even the "fear" that these morons attempt to conjure up in order to scare listeners from thinking for themselves ("You've lived in clouds of rebellion that are now being blown away by the winds of consequence...") is as farcical as the history that they preach ("MIKE THANKS: Jesus Christ for never leaving"; if so, why is it stated that Christ will return to reclaim those who waste time awaiting his "Second Coming"?)

Boys, i am your God, and if you think that my occasional reference to myselves as 'i' is disconcerting, wait until i show you your reward.

But I must exhibit my appreciation for Tooth & Nail's balls in the concept of their latest catalogue. Right at the top, they rightly proclaim their preachy paganism as "Propaganda." From there, they go on to emulate most every type of "alternative" music: the BLAMED are displayed showing off their hardcore high jump (along with making sure that they show how they "are Punk in a thrashy sort of way" and that you know about their "new singer, Jeremy, who has a lot of Tattoo's (sic)." (Too bad that Jesus forgot how to tell you lot the proper use of apostrophes and possessive nouns.) BLENDERHEAD's refusal to mover from one overly hyped music Mecca (Seattle, WA) to another (Washington, DC) despite their "intellectually stimulating Emo-Punk Rock" (as well as their ignorance of how DC was put on the map; these morons are further described as being punk by "proof that you can still be punk even if you don't sit around drinking 40 ouncers...") and CRUX (whose photo is such an unintentionally ridiculous parody of death-meatl-bands-gone-sour that they had to drive the nail all the way home by describing how "big and scary" they are in their rendition of "Punk Rock in that old school style all the kids dig so much." But no, this is only the beginning. Danielson has the creativity to compare his "Quirky songs to Beck and WEEN; EVERDOWN borrows the too-common jockfont for describing their band's borrowed sound of "East Coast Hardcore done in that aggro, chunka chunka...sorta way"; MxPx is another of the thousands of "Green Day" rip-offs that are secretly glad for the comparison; the SUPERTONES take on the cartoonish features that have long since typified true ska bands in that they use the superman "S" logo and drop names such as ENGLISH BEAT, SPECIALS and SELECTOR...

For the sake of christ's rotted crotch, i cannot go on with this list! Instead, I decided to inquire of god's children themselves as to what they are doing and why they are ashamed to admit as to who is their true spiritual sponsor, the results of which follow this very eposé.

Let it be known, however, that Tooth & Nail holds no monopoly over the burgeoning obscenity that is the Christian alternative/metal/etcetera scene. From an online "zine" under the name of "Heavenly Metal" comes this shameless statement about Rugged Records and one of the label's bands, Extreme Teens (all grammatical mistakes having been left intact for your reading pleasure): "...which incorporates Scripture memory lyrics with what we'd call 'grunge for kids' music (that actually sounds really good). The track we heard was called "Love," which simply expounds on I Corinthians 13 in a major way. The music is edgy and distorted, but the chords are separated out a little bit, creating a slower delivery that allows for a clear enunciation of the lyrics. Although made for the 9 to 15 crowd, the music is good enough to please the 16 to 35 bracket as well." There is also no small selection of the metallic anomalies that claim a christian identity. Some, such as the Norwegian band ANTESTOR (formerly CRUSH EVIL), have the gall to publicly announce (via their drab web page) that their 1993 demo tape is "a mix between death and doom metal." For their 1994 demo, CRUSH EVIL brazenly appropriated threads of the fiery cape of their idol's nemesis, describing said hypocrisy as "some black metal influences."

The laughs continue with LIVING SACRIFICE's web page. Their first demo (in 1990) was entitled, "Not Yielding to Ungodly," yet was self-described (in the very same sentence that disclosed their origin) s having "a style very comparable to SLAYER and VOIVOD." Upon realizing that they were being heavily criticized for being the clones of which they initially based their pride, LS did what everyone implied that they should do (one of the few tenets of organized religion to which the christian metal/christian crowd has adhered is that of refusing to think for themselves) and dropped the SLAYER style so as to enable themselves to "descend into the cauldrons of death metal, once and for all!" And there they have obviously remained for their mailing address is in the heart of Arkansas.

There is also the expected backlash of christian critics, a contingent that is actually the majority of the christian horde. Just as the christian alterna-twits are an even more hollow copy of the already shallow majority (of jocks) that comprises the current eMTYy-sponsored punk "scene," those who disagree - such as the Fundamental Evangelistic Association - with the views of contemporary christian music put it in a way that is rather specific (even if they parley the pathetic attitude that makes organized religion so repulsive). The Fundamental Evangelistic Association is not alone in their obtuse observation; even those who blatantly copy contemporary trends are not without some rather harsh thoughts regarding their generation's lace of biblical infidelity.

But perhaps it is that, just like the jocks that have saturated and demeaned the spirit of punk may well be agent provocateurs, so may those who are the true punks who have taken to invading the hallowed halls of Christian tradition so as to water down the word of their god, under the guise of appealing to the culturally lost tribe that is the ass-end of the hippie-tagged "generation x."