|
Exclusive Interview with the Blessed Virgin Mary
by Belinda Hogjowl - Atlanta GA
Belinda:
First of all, I want to thank you for giving Adult Christianity this wonderful exclusive.
The BVM:
Just for print. Jet Magazine out-bid you for the North American photo rights. Well, actually they out-bid Vanity Fair, too. But I'm going with VF anyway because they promised Leibowitz. At my age, you need someone who knows their filters. So, where is that other chick? I thought there were going to be two of you.
Belinda:
Mrs. Bowers?
The BVM:
Bowers? Yeah, that's the one.
Belinda:
She sent her regrets.
The BVM:
Oh, yeah? (laughs) She wants regrets? Wait 'till she finds out I overheard her say, (sounding exactly like Mrs. Nancy Bowers) "I won't be in the same room with that Papal-foisted interloper, false idol and stable slut."
Belinda:
Oh, dear. I don't recall her making that stable comment.
The BVM:
Maybe I'm projecting. Whatever. OK, fire away.
Belinda:
Is there anything about religion in America that you would like to see change?
The BVM:
How much time do you have? (laughs) Let me see. Well, basically three things. First, less attention on the Holy Spirit (yawns and looks at her watch). Second, more attention on Me!
Belinda:
That was fabulous!
The BVM:
What was?
Belinda:
When you said "Me" this wonderfully warm light bathed the entire room.
The BVM:
Well, it's like I always say: there's not a woman in this Universe who can't benefit from radiant back-lighting. How did it play on the fabric?"
Belinda:
Completely ethereal.
The BVM:
Perfect! Apparitions so often overlook the importance of good production values. So where was I? Oh, I know. And the third thing people need to do is get back to animal sacrifices.
Belinda:
Animal sacrifices? Say it isn't so.
The BVM:
Look, My Husband went to all the trouble of having it all laid out in painstaking detail how to do an artfully competent animal sacrifice in the Old Testament. And what happens? None of you people do it. I mean, He made humans with an urge to kill, so My Husband gave them tips on what to kill. But people never sacrifice animals anymore!
Belinda:
Well, it is seen as being a little cruel.
The BVM:
It's "mean." (Laughs derisively) So, you just kill each other instead! What's that all about?
Belinda:
A lot of people are uncomfortable about cruelty to animals.
The BVM:
Oh, please. Humans will mow children down in junior high school with semi-automatic weapons, starve half an African village to death, but won't put mascara on a rabbit? My Husband is just so not getting that.
Belinda:
You talk about "my husband." Whom are you referring to?
The BVM:
Whom do you think I'm referring to? Do you think I have multiple spouses? I mean, hel-LO? We don't live in Utah!
Belinda:
Well, they only allowed the men to have multiple spouses in Utah.
The BVM:
That is just so typical of this planet; don't get me started. But what would you expect from some Johnny-come-lately religion without a strong mother-worshipping tradition anyway?
Belinda:
Are you and God actually married?
 The BVM:
Look, I had His kid. You'd think I'd of gotten a ring out of it. Right? But no.
Belinda:
Why not? It's my understanding that He's really pro-marriage.
The BVM:
You'd think, but He's real cagey. He keeps saying "How can we be married before God, when I am God?" It's so annoying when He gets obtuse like that; He thinks He's being clever. Not.
Belinda:
Why is He so reluctant?
The BVM:
I think He's really worried. You know, if we divorced, I'd get half of everything. Literally. And that's a lot. Besides, we'd argue over who got Earth. But I'd probably end up being the one stuck with it.
Belinda:
Would our planet be that bad?
The BVM:
Well, as planets go, it is pretty nice looking. I particularly like some of the Four Seasons resort properties. But, I got to tell you, out of all the trillions of planets, there are only two of them where the inhabitants wear blended fabrics or pretend to speak for God. Earth was not the first, as usual (laughs), but it does it the most. As you can imagine, that don't exactly sit well with Him. I mean, He used to get mad at me. Like when reports of that dyke Joan of Arc filtered back to Him, making it sound like I'd been talking to her on His behalf. As if. I don't even know her - besides, I was on vacation that century. No offense, but that whole Middle Ages was so dull! Like the 1980's. But it really hit the fan that week.
Belinda:
You don't know Joan of Arc?
The BVM:
I don't know any of those French bitches who say they know me! Name-droppers! Like that mousy Bernadette woman. Like I'm going to loiter in some nasty, clammy grotto waiting for some delusional drab bore to talk at me in French! You know, not even polite enough to ask if I speak the language! Which I don't. So typically arrogant! I mean, He-LLO?? I can say "merci" - not that a deity ever would, of course.
Belinda:
You don't understand French?
The BVM:
Does anyone understand the French? (laughing) No, seriously, The Bird speaks it beautifully - especially after a bowl of wine, but, hell, that's His specialty - tongues. But I can't keep up with all the human languages. There are just too many of them. I mean, I buy the tapes, I buy the CD-ROMS, but who has the time? Years ago, I took the time away from poker to learn Esperanto. Never again. Basically, if it isn't Arabic, Latin, some Mandarin or English, no-can-do.
Belinda:
So, if someone prays in Polish, you won't understand?
The BVM:
Not a word. Which, incidentally, didn't exactly help them out in the 1930's.
Belinda:
But doesn't the Pope pray in Polish?
The BVM:
The who?
Belinda:
The Pope.
The BVM:
You've lost me.
Belinda:
The Pope. In Rome.
The BVM:
Oh, that guy! I know who you're talking about. I love his hats! They are beyond fabulous. Not everyone can pull off that kind of height. I'd try it, but we can't get that kind of workmanship in Heaven. So, he prays in Polish? Who knew.
Belinda:
I think he does.
The BVM:
News to me. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because I always know what it's all about anyway. They always want something. Besides, with the Internet, we're going "All English" this year.
Belinda:
God uses the Internet?
The BVM:
Not for important stuff, like damning people or asking them to kill their children - the connection speeds are just too slow, but we all use AOL to meet people. Funny story: God likes to go into the Christian Chat Room on AOL, and tell people He is God. You should hear the cocks crowing! They always deny Him. Some woman called Dottie from some place called Tennessee called him a "Filthy liar!" and got an AOL Chat Room Guide to boot Him off for "room disruption"! In the scheme of things, not a real smart move.
Belinda:
What happened to Dottie?
The BVM:
She was downloaded. (Laughs) He cracks me up when He says that! Downloaded. I love that! But she won't be lonely; most of those screen-names on AOL are going to Hell. In fact, Hell is an awful lot like AOL - without all those annoying slow-loading graphics. Mind if I smoke?
Belinda:
Well, actually, yes. I do.
The BVM:
OK. Well, let me ask it to you this way: Mind if I don't have one of my seraphim minions smite you while I smoke? (lighting up) I read what you wrote about that thing my Son said about a Camel passing through the eye of a needle. He stopped smoking about 600 years ago so didn't find the cigarette joke funny. You know what those reformed smokers are like - holier than thou. But, to be honest, He don't have much of a sense of humor. Unlike His Dad. Anyway, He said the comment was in reference to a portal that camels passed through. I'd forgotten about that until He mentioned it. In fact, I've successfully forgotten all that dusty Judea stuff. My rule: if it didn't involve room service, it ain't worth remembering! Anyway, camels wouldn't fit through the opening if they had all the possessions piled on it. See, the bags wouldn't get through, but the camel would fit real good. Sort of makes you wonder why Louis Vuitton or someone didn't come up with steamer trunks in the shape of camels or something. That would have worked. That's the thing with everything My Husband or My Son said: "you can get around it if you are smart enough to work it." They both love puzzles; and life is the biggest. Certainly, the afterlife tends to be a little more tedious.
Belinda:
Why is that?
The BVM:
Well, think of it. On earth, if your parents annoy you, after several years of managed-care, the end is in sight. Up there (pointing with Her cigarette), you can't get away from people - and they are there forever. (Rolls her eyes). Plus, forever, is a real long time - people forget that. And most people run out of things to say in the first 120 years - after all that annoying "ooh"ing and "ahh"ing is over with. None of them is that entertaining or has much original to say. You know, no one reads, because if they were big readers or were in any way connected with the entertainment industry, they aren't going to get in the first place. I keep saying, "Let some of those Sodomites in just to give the place some panache and maybe a floor show on Saturdays!" But rules are rules, I guess. There are exceptions. I mean, we've got Halston cause God knows I can never have enough hats. He's fabulous with chiffon flouncing on halos!
Belinda:
So there are no entertainers in Heaven?
The BVM:
None of the decent ones. We got the Singing Nun and that one fucking song she sings. Tell me that doesn't get tedious! But no one flamboyant with any production values. True story: when Liberace kicked, for months there were a whole lot of old blue-winged ladies doing spiteful things in Heaven just to get sent down to Purgatory so they could hear his free concerts. Like God didn't know what they were up to! So, He sent them to Hell to listen to Lionel Richie sing Ballerina Girl for eternity.
Belinda:
I didn't know Mr. Richie was dead.
The BVM:
Just his career! (laughs) But they've got a killer sound system down there. They have an awesome dance-party on the Sabbath -- which is just done to annoy me, as Satan knows that is the one day I can't go. I bought this great outfit and everything - I'm always about 2 and one-half centuries ahead of 7th Avenue. I just didn't read the invitation carefully to see what day it was. I tried to organize one in Heaven, but no one knows how to dance up there. (Rolls her eyes). Beside, we didn't get any of the decent DJ's. And they can make or break a party.
Belinda:
You mentioned "The Bird" earlier. Who is that?
The BVM:
Oh, don't get me started. (laughs) That's what I call the Holy Spirit. TB for short.
Belinda:
Is there a problem between you and the Holy Spirit?
The BVM:
TB just likes to be the center of attention. He's behind this whole Charismatic movement taking over My-Son-ianty, where people are obsessed with The Bird. I mean, even the name was His idea! Charismatic! Isn't that a My-Husband-damned joke? I said, "Word, Bird: the last thing any of those hillbillies gurgling saliva and rolling around in hysterical convulsions have is charisma!"
Belinda:
Well, you certainly have a point there.
The BVM:
Anyway, I had the last laugh. I've given all of them so-called charismatics either bad dental work or an inability to chose ties and shoes. Sometimes, both!
Belinda:
How long has this feud been going on?
The BVM:
It seems like eternity, but it's probably a few years short of that. The Bird has serious self-esteem issues - you try being just a third of a person - and is always getting in a snit about something. For example, we were at some black-wing function and I was talking to Marie Antoinette, who's a riot; she cracks me up -
Belinda:
Marie Antoinette is in heaven?
The BVM:
Most of her. We don't get into human class squabbles - too difficult to keep up with. Especially with the French; they are always mad a someone. Anyway, we were laughing over the "let them eat cake" comment - which, you know, she never said, but it's funny anyway, and The Bird was trying to get her attention, which was getting real annoying. So, I said, very politely, "Word, Bird: you fly through my halo one more time while I'm trying to talk, there are going to be some seriously singed feathers and the Trinity is going to be the Duality pronto."
Belinda:
And did He stop?
The BVM:
No. He got really bent out of shape. You see, someone must have told him about all those taxidermists I'd lobbied to advance from Purgatory. You know, just in case. Anyway, He did something really disgusting in my hair. And we don't have running water in Heaven, so that is a real problem.
Belinda:
So, this feud between you and the Holy Spirit started at this cocktail party?
The BVM:
No, it goes back way before that! All the way back to the Annunciation.
Belinda:
That was when you conceived the Christ Child?
The BVM:
Yeah, and the Bird insinuated himself into the whole thing and it really left a bad taste in my mouth.
Belinda:
How did He do that?
The BVM:
Well, it was all set up, you know. I knew it was going to happen.
Belinda:
Gabriel had told you?
The BVM:
No. That was later. Luke got it all mixed up. So what's new? (laughs). I'd already talked to God about it. Everything was set up. I'd finally gotten Joseph out of the house. I'd cleaned the sheets and lit candles. I'd even shaved my legs - which no one did back then. So what do you know? At the very last minute, Gabriel comes flying in, waking up the neighbors with that horrible bugle of his, saying there has been a change of plan.
Belinda:
What was the change?
The BVM:
The Bird was going to be the one to do me. (Rolls Her eyes).
Belinda:
Why was this a problem?
The BVM:
Oh, like you'd be happy to hear that! Please! All so that the Bird can horn in and get the credit for Jesus, I have to go down in history sleeping with a damn bird.
Belinda:
I always assumed that was just a metaphor.
The BVM:
Well, I'll tell you, it might as well have been! (laughs)
Belinda:
What do you mean?
The BVM:
Ever heard the expression "hung like a bird"?
Belinda:
No.
 The BVM:
Yeah, well there's a reason! (Laughs and holds up her small finger). Anyway, we've never gotten along too well. And it didn't get better. TB's still got his feathers ruffled over all that Marian worship during the Middle Ages. Talk about holding a grudge! You know, back then the Catholic Church was building a whole lot more statutes of me. Only real Anglo looking ones, which I never found attractive. I mean, I NEVER would have worn so much blue if my skin were that pasty! Blue is so draining. God never thought humans would use so much of it. It was always meant as an accent color. Even My Husband admitted it was a mistake to go with blue for something as conspicuous as the sky. But He didn't think about that until we went to Los Angeles last year for the Oscars. Their light pink sky is fabulous for skin tones. Anyway, the point I was making is that they were making a lot more statues of me than birds (unless they were just props for St. Francis). The Bird got real jealous. I know He was behind the advent of Protestantism - just to keep me in my place. I can't prove it, but it has TB written all over it.
Belinda:
I'm a bit surprised such politics go on in Heaven.
The BVM:
I admit; it can get sort of petty. About seven hundred years ago - no, maybe not that long - anyway, we were all at this public appearance thing. The opening of a Mall or something. Anyway, I was busy talking with Jesus, you know, and I didn't realize that I had stepped in front of the Bird, which is a big no-no! So, anyways, instead of just tapping me on the shoulder with his beak, He has to make a fuss and thunder in front of everyone, "Get thee behind me, Mary!"
Belinda:
I always thought that expression was first uttered by Diana Ross.
The BVM:
Another one of my favorite singers that I'm never going to get to see! No, that "Get Thee Behind Me" business was just the Bird pulling rank, as usual. (Rolls eyes) You see, supernal protocol says that when it comes to folks who can stand in front of me, there are only three. Though, technically, they're regarded as one person. It's very confusing. Especially when you're trying to fill out a dinner-table. And you go: "Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, bird."
Belinda:
But that's the completion of the Trinity.
The BVM:
Your word. You ask me - and no one does - that's just something humans made up. But TB, of course, latched on to it because it places him closer to the action. And don't think you all down here are the only ones who debate that trinity business! We argue about that one all the time - especially when we're ordering Chinese. Lord, Jesus and the Bird are definitely three people when they're eating, but when it comes time to split the bill, then it's a different story! I always get stuck paying half, which is why I end up having to do more of these personal appearance gigs than they do! I tell you girls: it is a man's afterworld!"
Oh, My Husband! Look at the time. My Son, I need to be in some country that I've never even heard of in about twenty minutes - a little scheduling snafu. One of my seraphim staff has this crazy attitude that once she got to heaven her work was over. Who tells people these things? I'd fire her, but she's about the only Caucasian we got up there, so what can you do?
| 
