by Poppy Dixon and Dwayne Walker
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock..."
Revelations 3:20
 When beauty wanes and careers begin to fade two traditional options remain for actors who want to work. The first is infomercials; hawking anything and everything from psychic connections to hair care products. The second is fundamentalism. The greatest religion in the world, Christianity, is so bereft of recognizable celebrity spokespersons that they wet themselves for the favors of Charles Colson, Dean Jones and Dyan Cannon.
 Many Hollywood stars hide or deny their dalliances with religion, or assign it to a distant past. For instance, how many of you knew that scripture-spouting screenwriter Quentin Tarantino was a student at Hawthorne Christian Academy, "Home of the Defenders"? Even still he didn't get Ezekiel 25:17 quite right but script doctored it to sufficiently up the terror in Samuel L. Jackson's pre-whack soliloquy.
You won't see "Wine of Morning" listed on Katherine "Who's the Boss" Helmond's filmography. Produced by Bob Jones University this cut-rate version of "The Robe" features a then-talentless performance by La Helmond. Bob Jones, III co-starred as a thief on the cross, unable to conceal his Southern drawl with the British accent required for "Bible" movies.
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Bob Jones University is the alma mater of Billy Graham, Tim Lahaye, Cliff
Barrows, and other evangelists. African-Americans were not allowed to attend BJU until the 70's but interracial dating was still forbidden. This caused the university to lose its tax-exempt status. Strom Thurmond is on the board of directors to lend credence to the creationist belief that dinosaurs once walked the earth with men. |
Katherind Helmond abandoned her fundamentalist roots and honed her acting abilities with Alfred Hitchcock in "Family Plot." She later starred in "Brazil" and co-starred with closet-Christian Tony Danza in "Who's the Boss." The devil got the best of her when she backslid and appeared in ABC's queer-friendly "Soap." She also appeared in the television version of "The Legend of Lizzie Borden" with fellow-fundamentalist Hayden Rorke, but more on him later.
We'll skip over born-again-again Charlie Sheen, whose faith seems to coincide with his bail hearings. Gary Busey converted after hearing the voice of God resonating through the metal plate in his head. We feel convinced it was his role in David Lynch's Lost Highways that pushed him over the edge. But at least he's giving back to God and all us little people with a CD of spirituals called "Forest of Angels."
 Conspicuous by its absence from James Brolin's filmography is the movie "The Books of Acts," a Visual International, Inc. production in which he plays Saint Peter. A four-part video series, the starring role of Dr. Luke went to Dean Jones! (More on HIM later) Barbara Streisand's new beau playing sloppy seconds to Disney's Dean Jones?! Jones usually costars with small animals or Volkswagons. James Brolin is most famous for playing second to Robert Young's Dr. Marcus Welby. Brolin was the clog-shod doctor who failed as a footwear trendsetter. Maybe he'll have better luck with sandals.
Pat Robertson's 700 Club and TBN both draw an astounding array of has-beens; Dyan Cannon (a devotee of Benny Hinn), M.C. Hammer, Vanity (ex of the-artist-formerly-known-as-Prince) and most recently, Paula Barbieri. It's said that Robertson has cooled to Paula and won't return her calls. Who knows what transpired between these two Hollywood heavies but she'll never take communion in this town again. Ex-beau O.J Simpson was quoted as saying, "I am broke. I am telling the truth. So help me God I'm a believer in Jesus Christ!" Yeah, and whoever killed Jesus must have loved him very, very much.
Most gen-exers imagine the 60's and 70's as a safe, sunny decade serving family-friendly fare such as The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family. But let's not forget the dark, Satanic spectre raised by "Bewitched." (Can it be a coincidence that all of the main stars of that show have since died?) The show's witch most true to witch character was Endora played by alleged "friend of Dorothy" Agnes Moorehead. The name "Endora" is derived from 1 Samuel 28. In this story God has deserted King Saul and he is forced to rely on the "woman that hath a familiar spirit" at Endor. She successfully prophesies to Saul providing a rare biblical endorsement to spiritualism.
Agnes Moorehead gave stunning performances in movies such as "Citizen Kane," "The Ten Commandments" and "Dark Passage" with Bogart and Bacall. But it was her role as "Endora" that must have spiralled her into spiritual chaos. Her father was a Schofield Bible translator. She herself returned to her roots and requested an audience with Bob Jones, Jr. before her death. She left her Ohio estate, Moorehead Manor, to Bob Jones University. During the days of the televangelist scandals, it proved a safe haven for erring preachers to reflect on their transgressions, fashion their alibis and spin their excuses.
"I Dream of Jeannie" portrayed a more appropriately deferent "witch" making its Satanic influence all the more insidious. What could have possessed Hayden Rorke who played Dr. Bellows, Major Nelson's boss? Was it mere money, or the lure of fame that drove him to sell his soul to appear on this evil and vapid sitcom? For he had already established himself as a serious actor by appearing in several Christian movies from "Family Film" as did Mark Goddard (Don West) from "Lost in Space." We already mentioned Rorke's part in "The Lizzie Borden Story" with Katherine Helmond, but he also co-starred with Agnes Moorehead in "All That Heaven Allows." It seems Hollywood may actually be controlled by Christians!
Dean Jones was ahead of his time in turning his back on Disney. His alma mater had provided him roles in such classics as "The Love Bug" and "That Darn Cat" yet even then he sensed that something was amiss at the studio insiders have come to call "Mouseschwitz." Turning his back on Hollywood Dean Jones moved from comedy to drama in the blockbuster, "Born Again" where he portrayed ex-con cum "Christian spokeman" Charles Colson. The script was adapted from the comic book of the same name. Irving Rapper directed. (Prior to "Born Again" Rapper directed the filming of another "conversion" experience, "The Christine Jorgensen Story.") Peter Jurasik (Londa Mollari of Babylon 5) starred opposite Dean Jones as Henry Kissinger though his further involvement in Christian culture is unconfirmed. From that role Jone's career rocketed, downwards. Now he is the main draw in a stable of unknowns at Jeremiah Films. The Hemet, California studio produced the "Pagan Invasion: A 13-Part Series." Titles include "Preview of the Anti-Christ," "Secrets of Mind Control" and "Doorways to Satan."
And can it be true that Paul "Showgirls" Verhoven's next project is the life of Christ? He's teamed up with the Jesus Seminar (handmaid of Satan) to produce this ambitious epic. But Sharon Stone as Mary Magdalene? Talk about casting the first stone!
While we're on the subject of stones, the good folks that appointed Dee Wallace Stone (the mother in ET) to the "star-studded" advisory board of The Parents Television Council would probably like to forget the "art poses" in which Miss Dee appeared. Far from family-fiendly you can still get them imprinted on a coffee cup from On a Wing and a Prayer Productions. But remember, a lady never shows her underarms.
And yet more stones. Ricardo "fine Corinthian leather" Montalban has added "Winning the Sexual Revolution" to his filmography starring next to James "don't-light-my-baldspot" Dobson and Michael Medved. He then went on to sell "Nativity Stones" just swept from the floor of the cave where Jesus may or may not have been born. The stones are fashioned into jewelry and marketed by the dyslexic Menillium Corporation.
While the above-mentioned talent has found succour at the breast of religious organizations such as Trinity Broadcasting and the 700 Club these groups turn a blind eye to superstar Dolly Parton and horror-huckster Joe Bob Briggs, my own personal favorites. Miss Parton's associations with queers and Jews hasn't won her an invitation to share the stage with Pat Robertson or Jan Crouch. Miss Dolly's conversion as a young woman occurred in an abandoned church; no altar call, no laying on of hands, no certificate and no mailing list. Who wouldn't doubt the sincerity of her experience? And Joe Bob Briggs is associated with the "Trinity Foundation" which investigates televangelists. Catch him on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" on Thursday when he appears as "John Bloom" narrating "God Stuff." Or visit The Door, a magazine dedicated to religious satire. Joe Bob is on staff.
While being outed is never a pleasant experience for anyone, we at Adult Christianity feel it is our duty to show young Christians everywhere that they have respectable role models in the entertainment industry. So Hollywood, come out, come out, wherever you are.
Dwayne Walker is a film producer working in Los Angeles. His book, Spring Break Missionaries, is on sale in our Illiteralist Bookstore. Read Dwayne Walker's interview with Miss Poppy. Mr. Walker offers invaluable assistance to Adult Christianity as a correspondent and consultant on all things fundamentalist.
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