Traditional-families Raging Against Sluts & Homos
TRASH introduces a new program:
Christians Are Saving Homosexuals
Is your ministry strapped for money? TRASH's new program CHRISTIANS ARE SAVING HOMOSEXUALS guarantees it will turn even the swishiest drag queen into a "Former Gay" suitable for marriage and, more importantly, fund-raising mailers! In just 4 short weeks! CASH will give you the former-homosexual you need to raise the CASH that you want pronto! Guaranteed!
Christians Are Saving Homosexuals' has only two goals:
- To turn confused, unmarketable peripheral people whose lives
don't matter much anyway into profitable, attention-getting
PUBLICITY MACHINES who will finally contribute to society and the
economy by increasing church fundraising!; and
- To provide artistic husbands to women who become flummoxed when
arranging flowers, picking complementary fabrics for lining drapes,
need help when it comes to choosing furniture or throw pillows, or have
historically ruined otherwise suitable outfits by slipping on the wrong
pair of shoes.
I mean to tell you, Christians Are Saving Homosexuals is showing wonderful results! Reverend Jarndyce's wife, Libby-Lorraine, has told us all of her gallant efforts to turn the tide on these horribly arch people, teaching them that an ability to discern subtle differences between 2,700 shades of tawny-taupe cannot alone be effectively parlayed into a Godly existence. And although it may win approval of their haughty, shallow, alcoholic friends here on earth, it will hardly impress St. Peter in heaven to be told:
Girl, if you think these gates are "pearly" you've done way too much shopping at outlets! I mean, HELLO? These are a tish more opalescent than pearly. Certainly, no pearls I'd wear! *
Libby-Lorraine is leading these aesthetically-overloaded lost lambs back into the bosom of our Savior Jesus and is using a method as old as religion itself - coercive torture. Libby-Lorraine told me, "Nancy, I have to say, I just know the Holy Sprit is in the room with us watching each and every slide!" Libby-Lorraine was referring to the slides that she shows as part of CASH'streatment to lift the shackles of perversity off these hyper-groomed men. The therapy is ingenious! Libby-Lorraine shows a series of slides of graphic sexual acts to all these hair-dresser/florist types. When a slide depicts two (sometimes more!!!!) men together, an electric current generated by Libby-Lorraine's vacuum cleaner is run through the men's genitalia. When the picture shows a normal couple engaged in normal activities (to my mind, many of these slides were in questionable taste but Libby-Lorraine assured me that all couples are married Christians, though some appeared to be alarmingly foreign), a score of heterosexual prostitutes that the Ministry flew in from the Philippines (as part of our Outreach Program) services each of the men as positive reinforcement.
I asked Libby-Lorraine if we have any NEW Former-Gay people yet who could speak at services and appear in fundraising mailers. She told me, "Now, Nancy, this can sometimes take YEARS of therapy." I told her this can't be so, as a person's decision to be gay is obviously as casually made as Dora Denkin's choice of shoes, and that Libby-Lorraine has two weeks to deliver ten of them or I'll find someone who can.
The wonderful thing is that these effeminate men WANT to change! I asked Libby-Lorraine, "Have we seen ANY change in these misfits?" Libby-Lorraine told me: "Yes, I've noticed that several of the men - especially those who wear those leather pants and hats - have complained that the voltage is way too low."
See? Even they want to be saved! Hallelujah! How great art He!
