L! C! B! October 1998

Guns 'N Moses: L!C!B! September 98

Got Jesus?: L!C!B! Summer 98

Jurassic Jesus: L!C!B! May 98

Filmography of Jesus: The First Hundred Years

Christian Sex Education LP's

Degenerate Art: Christian Action Art Protest

The Devil's Hole: Alt Christian Electro Thrash Metal Goth Industrial Implosion

Pop Paranoia in South Africa

Incredibly Strange Religious Records

Torah! Torah! Torah! Plug 'n Play Bible Codes

Share your gossip, insider scoops, video tapes, whatever. I'm all eyes and ears!

Pete Aitken's L!C!B!
Adult Christianity
PO Box 1666
Hollywood, CA 90078

patiken@postfun.com

A NOTE TO READERS: Pete Aitken is recovering from a strenuous and activity-filled summer. I will be sitting in at the trusty Underwood while he is away at a nationally recognized spa named for one of our recent First Ladies. As I embark upon this holy duty, I humbly ask for the spiritual blessings and guidance of Winchell, Hopper and King (Larry). Pete will be back whenever he gets the necessary three signatures.

CECIL B. DIVINE? OR GOD IS MY CO-STAR!: Billy Graham - perhaps best known for granting absolution to our wayward Presidents - has turned movie producer! His World Wide Pictures will be rolling out THE RIDE to select cities this fall and to churches this winter. The flick - which at first glance looks like a halo-ed JUNIOR BONNER - stars Michael Biehn (Terminator; The Abyss), Brock Pierce (Mighty Ducks) and Jennifer O'Neill (Summer of '42). It concerns the redemption of a one-time world champion cowboy who's hit rock bottom. After getting out of prison he gets a hand up from some caring ranch folk and a kid with a heart of gold. The picture's tagline sums up all the excitement: "Don't Miss The Ride. It's a Full Eight Seconds of Fury, Faith and Fun!" Actually, the movie is closer to 90 minutes, but "8 seconds" has something to do with bull riding. Go figure. And as if Biehn and Jennifer O'Neill weren't enough of a draw, Billy Graham himself appears! Hey, if Hitch could do it, Billy sure as heckfire can!

DON'T CALL HIM LURCH: Let's get something straight right now: Richard Kiel is the giant actor with the deep voice who played the villainous Jaws in two JAMES BOND films in the late 1970's. Ted Cassidy is the giant actor with the deep voice who played the butler Lurch on the 1960's sitcom THE ADDAMS FAMILY. Ted Cassidy is dead. Richard Kiel is very much born again. And what, you ask, has Mr. Kiel been up to lately? Well, among other things, he's been taking his kids to Christian rock concerts and writing a screenplay about Cassius Clay (the Christian abolitionist, not the draft-dodging boxer). Kiel, the veteran of such mainstream hits as SILVER STREAK, THE LONGEST YARD and PALE RIDER complains that there is too much Godless entertainment out there and he means to do something about it. He has a production company in Fresno, but cautions one has to be patient in the family entertainment biz. While being patient, Kiel is also preparing for the December opening of THEOPOLIS, a huge Christian media and coffee store in Modesto, CA (Kiel is a co-owner). Reserve me a Decaf Vanilla Latte! Will Jaws ever return for a 007 encore? Kiel says he is constantly asked about the possibility. In answering his fans, the towering actor points out a fact that is largely forgotten: Jaws was transformed into a hero at the end of 1979's MOONRAKER. He helped Bond save the world for crying out loud. What, then, if Jaws were to suffer an Evil relapse? It could happen, right? We'll keep our fingers X'd.

BUCKET STILL AT LARGE: Dateline San Jose, CA: Just moments after superstar Mel Gibson ("Man Without a Face") made his celluloid charity pitch for the Will Rogers Institute, the Century 21 Movie Theater looked like a battlefield from BRAVEHEART. Like the '70's TV cops used to say, this is how it all went down: Ushers, as usual, had passed out four collection buckets immediately after Gibson's plea was unspooled. But for the first time in the history of the Will Rogers Foundation, only THREE buckets came back. The scheduled film (THE TRUMAN SHOW) was already 15 minutes delayed when a disembodied voice - heard in Dolby stereo - commanded the immediate return of the purloined bucket. The Voice drew a line in the sand: Jim Carrey would be put on hold until things were made right. Unfortunately for theater management, 699 perturbed patrons were not about to wait for the 700th to get a conscience. The angry mob began chanting obscenities, stomping their feet and throwing expensive snacks at the screen. Ushers were seen scrambling for their lives. 15 minutes and thousands of spent popcorn kernels later, theater manager Bill Tannehill admitted defeat and ordered the movie started. This horrific incident raises several timely questions: First, would theatergoers have reacted even more violently if Barbra Streisand had made the celebrity appeal? Second, why is the Will Rogers Institute soliciting funds for pulmonary research when the folksy personality died in a plane crash?! Did he have a heart attack on the way down?! Third, just who IS Mel Gibson going to cast as Col. Klink in his upcoming big screen version of HOGAN'S HEROES?

BUDDY HOLY: Born again and again actor/surfer Gary Busey ("Point Break") is born again again. On hiatus from self-destructive behavior and appearing on THE 700 CLUB recently, Busey recommitted to the Lord and discussed his dark past. Among other tidbits, the Oscar nominated actor told an edge-of-her-seat Terry Meeuwsen about seeing angels and hearing androgynous voices after his notorious motorcycle wreck. Not discussed was the fact that Busey now has the distinction of having appeared on both THE 700 CLUB and THE HOWARD STERN SHOW. Aside from Mr. T, not too many celebrities have managed to walk that spiritual tightrope.

AROUND THE DIAL: Hollyweird has VARIETY, the Porn industry has AVN (Adult Video News), and televangelists, it turns out, have NRB (The National Religious Broadcasters magazine). This trade is boffo for anyone who wants tips on improving a telemarketing apparatus or needs to know the Nielsen ratings for programs like MASS FOR SHUT-INS. The one thing the NRB doesn't have is a gossip columnist!

NEXT MONTH: RELIGIOUS FUSS FILMS!

See you at the Drawing Room,

Bill Geerhart