Thomas Edwin Palmertree was arrested last week, charged with molesting 10 children under his supervision as a church youth leader. We'll spare you the predictable details.

Pastor Clark Flesher, of First Baptist Church of Alameda, called the incidents a "wake-up call." He was quoted as saying, "You think this would never happen - [in] a church." Hello!

The church covered its ass by reporting that Palmertree had "no previous criminal record and no background check COULD have revealed his alleged behavior." In other words, there WAS no background check.

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Hot on the heels of last month's Christian Hayride Massacre comes the Christian Surfer Shark Attack. Mike Coots, a member of a Christian surf team had his foot bitten off by a 10-foot tiger shark. (Make that 11 feet) He escaped by pummeling the shark with his fists.

Thank God (again) I'm a couch potato.

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Lacking the ambition of Christian mentors Chuck Colson and Oliver North members of a 'drug ring' got into prison the old-fashioned way. They masqueraded as prison ministers. Taking advantage of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act these young lambs in Christ smuggled drugs and prostitutes to the inmates as well as making a pornographic video inside prison walls!

The troubled Lorton Correctional Complex in the District of Columbia was the scene of the shoot. A walk on part for Burt Reynolds was delayed as his manager haggled with prison officials for clearance. The filming of the video proceeded without incident though the catering company charged the producers for two sushi trays that turned up missing.

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