October 1998

Dear Belinda:

Jesus was really into piercing. You know, the hands feet and side. The thorn of crowns was also a really punk touch.

Until I can muster the courage to be Pierced Like Him, what other piercings and paraphernalia can I use to gain salvation? I am considering a Prince Albert. What gauge would be the most holy?

Wishing to be Penetrated in Peoria

Dear Foolish Reader:

I think it perhaps inaccurate to say that Jesus was "into" piercings. Indeed, it appears that the piercings were more exactly described as being "into" Him. It is safe to say that Jesus was no more a willing participant in this particular fashion choice than, say, Hester Prine was in stumbling upon a sporty sanguine capital "A," which has now become de rigueur for any Atlanta Braves devotee. While sports enthusiasts are typically a full two decades behind any useful fashion trend, it appears that Jesus, in His all knowing Wisdom, was truly centuries ahead of the body piercing vogue that we have recently witnessed. And just because Jesus didn't necessarily voluntarily elect to don an edgy thorn chapeau, doesn't mean He shouldn't get credit for the trends it has inspired. Fashion has always been serendipitous! Sometimes, it simply takes being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I mean, who could honestly say that Jackie Kennedy's pink Chanel suit would have become such a celebrated clothing option had it not been for lone gunman whom, from all the pictures, appears to have known nothing about the reliable Paris houses of fashion?

Whereas the Old Testament has instructions on body piercing (it cheerfully recommends using reeds at Kings 2:21), these helpful hints were not put to much use until more recently. But someone up in heaven is apparently quite a collector of body jewelry. Otherwise, why would God have warned those saucy Daughters of Zion that He was going to take their "nose jewels"? (Isa. 3:21). Now it is only speculation at best to say this covetous jewelry-snatcher is Jesus. My money would be on the BVM, as women long deprived of quality jewelry tend to overdo it a bit when their fortunes change or they marry well.

In conclusion, my advice when it comes to fashion accessories that draw blood is unwavering: less is more. I am particularly against genital jewelry. I question the wisdom of slapping down an AMEX card for 18 ct. gold when, presumably, so few people will have occasion to see it. When jewelry isn't seen it can't incite gut-wrenching envy in others, thus failing to perform its only useful purpose.

You asked for it,

Belinda

Dear Belinda:

I have a Christian fashion question. I'm just dying to show off my stigmata--but is this appropriate after Labor Day?

Wondering in Wichita Falls

Dear Foolish Reader:

"Dying to show off" is an unfortunate turn of phrase when discussing one's stigmata, for if you really are dying to show it off, chances are it is not actually a stigmata, but the real thing. In which case, you will be lucky to see Columbus Day.

In any event, one of the biggest problems in relying on a tattoo from God to pull off an outfit is the inherent limitations of such accessories. For example, they rarely come in anything but sanguine shades, which are fine for the winter holidays, but can seem a touch gothicly overboard during the more carefree moods of summer. So, from a purely aesthetic standpoint, winter lends itself best to the Merlot tones of a fully ripe stigmata. But, of course, the gloves and midriff-covering garb of winter hardly lend themselves to suitably displaying your stigmata - a fashion statement that one should reasonably rely upon to otherwise work as a fabulous attention-getter. So, what to do? Personally, I think you have little option but to apply extra concealer on your palms. You may be reluctant at first to obliterate your stigmata, as it is a gift from God and could generate licensing revenues if marketed on the dollar-friendly 700 Club, but if something doesn't work, it simply doesn't work. While a stigmata may be a religious blessing, it is fashion catastrophe! And that tenet is the only relevant one to consider if you ever entertain plans of leaving the privacy of your home, dear.

You asked for it,

Belinda

Dear Belinda:

I am very concerned that I have an ability that conflicts with my Christian faith. For the longest time, I have been able to see human auras. The minute I walk in a room, I can see all the colors of people's auras hovering above them. I am worried that it is Satan who has given me this gift, and not God.

Seeing Too Much in Seattle

Dear Foolish Reader:

I, for one, am absolutely celery-green with envy that you have an ability to know so much about people without being bored by what passes for conversation. Whether a rare gift from Satan, or simply an oversight by God, why can't we all have such a time-saving ability? My power to augur has always been limited to reading the entrails of pets. This technique is seldom practical at cocktail parties and - I assure you - makes me no hero with my children. Would that I had your gift! You see, I have an immutable talent for assembling a surprising, yet perfect, outfit. No matter how many compliments I receive (really too numerous to recite here), I am always aware of the fact that there is someone out there (like you) who will see my aura - and know that it is completely outside of my palette, clashing dreadfully with my otherwise stunning ensemble. If you'll promise to keep silent in this regard I shall promise not to turn your letter over to my colleague Mrs. Bowers, who would undoubtedly begin inquisition proceedings. While your gift may indeed prove to be divine, I am afraid that the glare from her aura might prove too much for your all-too-human retinas.

You asked for it,

Belinda

Dear Belinda:

I have been reading Revelations recently. I really think the Whore of Babylon is here in Washington, D.C. amongst us. How do I identify her? What do you think she will be wearing?

Disconcerted in D.C.

Dear Foolish Reader:

The Whore of Babylon is most likely to be wearing exactly the same outfit she was wearing the night before when she left her apartment for a cocktail lounge. While there are numerous Biblical signs that harbinger her arrival, I find two non-Biblical signs to be more reliable: (1) Her dress will smell as if it had been used to swish out half a dozen ashtrays; and (2) The knees in her panty-hose won't quite line up with her callused kneecaps.

Of course, the Whore of Babylon's most important fashion challenge has always been to obscure the somewhat embarrassing inscription on her head:

MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. (Rev 17:5)

It is really hard to work around something like that. But I have a feeling that a ridiculously thick Marlo "That Girl" Thomas wig and a Donna Karan beret would do the trick.

By the way, the last time the Whore of Babylon was spotted in the District of Columbia, she was appearing before a House Subcommittee on Sanctimonious Hypocrisy and Feigned Outrage. As I recall, she was removed by the hobbit-like Rep. Bob Barr for referring to Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich as the "Whore of Babble-On."

You asked for it,

Belinda