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Dear Mrs. Bowers: I am very troubled by the fact that I have discovered that, despite being raised a good Christian, my son has told me he has decided to embrace an ungodly lifestyle and taken up the hobby of being gay. After much hollering, my husband and I determined that we simply had to treat him in a Christian manner, so we threw him out of the house and had our phone changed to an unlisted number. Now, my son is telling me in scented notes placed under the windshield wipers of my Tempo that it is not a "choice." What am I to do? I love him, but I've already turned his bedroom into a lovely sewing room that I am very much enjoying and reluctant to give up. Skeptical in South Carolina Dear Skeptical, as well you might be: I must admit that I was at first troubled by how to respond to people who have embraced a lifestyle different from mine and my husband Bruce's, and thereby unnatural. My initial delight at being told we were free to stone such people to death was tempered by that niggling caveat about only she who is without sin gets the thrill of being the first one to cast the stone (a Biblical special designation akin to our national tradition of allowing the President to throw the first baseball of the season). Now, I admit that most of you probably think that I, Mrs. Nancy Bowers, would be eligible for this first position on the stone-throwing roster, and it would hardly be polite of me to dispute your considered opinion in this regard, but I hasten to remind my readers that sinless people are as rare as Jews in Heaven. There just aren't many of us. This underscores why it is so important to travel only with godly people, so that there will always be an acceptable candidate handy to throw the first stone should the need arise - and it will. Trust me. Once this decision is made (and there will be fights, so take turns), I have studied the Bible extensively and am happy to report there is absolutely nothing that would prohibit the rest of the group from throwing just as many stones as they care to after that first honorary stone is launched. So HAVE AT IT! One of the more pesky things people do while you are busy judging is to throw that foolish bromide "don't judge or else you shall be judged" in your face. Pardon me, while I scoff. The very idea! Christians not passing judgement would be like cows not passing wind. It would be unnatural - and effectively do away with roughly 75% of the conversation at any church social. So, I have decided that this little New Testament tid-bit has been completely misconstrued. "And said to the judges, Take heed what ye do: for ye judge not for man, but for the LORD, who is with you in the judgment."
2 Chronicles 6.
Thus, the Old Testament not only actively encourages us to judge others, but it tells us that God agrees "with you in the judgment" each and every time! Therefore, when you are told "judge not" it only means to make sure that you judge not carelessly. The wisdom of not making any mistakes when judging is particularly sensible when one is addressing issues of eternal damnation. For example, it would not be polite to make the determination whether a loved parent or close friend was going straight to Hell while absently searching for a pack of mints in the bottom of your purse. Also, so as not to be accused of delighting in exacting the wrath of God by proxy, remember not to squeal in rapture as you pummel the sinner's skull into a harmless paste. It is also a good idea to tell observers somewhat shrilly that you still love the "sinner." This will take some degree of acting ability - work on it, and you will be amazed how truthful you will sound. In all honestly, this "hate the sin, love the sinner" concept is one of our better ideas, as it allows us the freedom to completely trash the aggrieving person without losing one bit of the piety that so perfectly complements any summer frock. And speaking of summer frocks, while sons are expendable (just talk to my dear Friend-Of-Our-Lord, Phyllis Schlafly) a sewing room is the one thing any true lady can never be without! As God Is My Witness, Mrs. Nancy Bowers Dear Mrs. Bowers: A Republican who is running for Governor in our State is exactly the type of man us Christians have wanted. You just couldn't find a more vocal proponent of Family Values than this West Point graduate! The problem is that recently it was revealed that he has conducted a prolonged affair with his former secretary. If his wife sticks by his side, I think he can still win, but I'm worried that she is going to jeopardize our chances of seeing our first Republican Christian in the Governor's mansion. I'm really about to give up hope. Things Aren't Peachy Dear Things Aren't Peachy: I must say it is becoming increasingly difficult to look down our collective nostrils at loose-moralled Democrats when the folks on our team show no regard for the most important Commandment ("Thou Shalt Not Get Caught"). But now is not the time to give up. Hopefully, this candidate will draw strength from being found out - and make sure that it doesn-t happen again. I have already spoken with this particular politician's wife (I'll call her "Bette Rose") just before this sordid business came out and she was crying and feeling sorry for herself. I told her, "Bette Rose, honey, you are just not keeping your eye on the ball! The threat of breaking off a marriage to a public figure is a game of delicate brinkmanship, and if you falter at this juncture you can lose everything, hon. Do you think when Bill Clinton was about to lose his lucrative position as president, that Hilary woman felt sorry for herself? No! She knew that the time had finally come to start asking for the kind of quality, heirloom jewelry that is worth the trouble of keeping off-shore." The mention of jewelry seemed to get Bette Rose's attention, and I added, "Your husband is only just learning the cost of marital infidelity. It's now time to teach him the price of a wife's public forgiveness." And I think she took my words to heart. If you look carefully at the video of that Rotary meeting where she was saying she forgave her husband, you'll notice that her new pumps are sporting a conspicuous West Point spit-shine. And when she absently looks to see what time it is, the most darling little something from Cartier catches the camera lights. At any rate, I don't think you have a thing to worry about - she will stand by her man! When I saw her yesterday as she was getting in her car, I asked, "How are you holding up, honey?" As the three-ply silk of her new outfit slid onto the plush leather seats of her brand new Town Car, she said with a wink, "I'm just getting by the only way I know how." As God Is My Witness, Mrs. Nancy Bowers
TRASH BULLETIN Isn't it time America took out the TRASH?
BRINGING INTEGRITY TO CHRISTIAN HOMEMAKERS
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