Just as there are physical laws that govern the physical universe, so are there spiritual laws which govern your relationship with God. There are also laws which govern your relationship with Santa Claus, but we don't have time to go into those right now.

God LOVES you and offers a wonderful PLAN for your life. TRUST US on this one!

God's Love
"Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." (I Samuel 15:3 KJV)

God's Plan
"And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them." (Genesis 6:7 KJV)

Why is it that most people are not experiencing the abundant life?
Sensible people might say it's because the wealthy capitalist rulers of the world are determined to drive everyone else's living standards down until we all live in wretched poverty.
But no one could possibly accuse us of being sensible, so here's what we think the reason is...

Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. Therefore, he cannot know and experience God's love and plan for his life unless he forks over a great deal of cash to the church of his choice.

Man Is Sinful
"Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies." (Song of Solomon 4:5 KJV)
Man was created so that God could spend an eternity tormenting him; but, because of Man's shameful desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain, he chose to try to escape, and fellowship with God was broken. This self-will, characterized by an attitude of active rebellion or passive indifference, is an evidence of what the Bible calls sin. God will torture you even more if he ever catches up with you, you sinful scum.

Man Is Separated
"And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other." (1 Kings 3:25 KJV)

This diagram illustrates that God is holy and man is sinful. At least, that's what it said on the back of the box of Cocoa Puffs we got it from. The arrows illustrate that man is continually trying to reach God and the abundant life through his own efforts, such as a good life, philosophy, monster truck rallies, or religion - but he inevitably fails, possibly because God is a sadistic twerp who enjoys watching us suffer. We really don't know, we just got paid to write all this crap.

The third law explains the only way to bridge this gulf...

Jesus Christ is God's ONLY provision for man's sin. Not even someone as powerful as God can torture ALL of us--it would take far too long. Those who are willing to completely believe everything we tell you about Jesus will be spared God's eternal torment. You could be one of the lucky ones to escape God's wrath!

He Died in Our Place
Well, not literally at our place...it was somewhere in Jerusalem. We didn't have anything to do with it, honestly. I don't care what that police report said.

He Rose From the Dead
It's true, we've got the whole thing on videotape if you don't believe us.

He Is the Only Way to God
Just take the Jesus H. Christ Memorial Freeway until you see the bright light and the singing angels, then take the first exit. Don't forget to take plenty of coins for all the toll booths.

This diagram illustrates that God will drop a huge cross on all of us, crushing us. Why? We don't know. The most likely explanation is that God gets his kicks by killing off his creations. There's certainly enough of that kind of stuff in the Bible.

It is not enough just to know these three laws...

We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then maybe we won't be eternally tortured.

We Must Receive Christ
And don't forget, with each Christ you order, you'll get a free Holy Ghost action figure. Act now, operators are standing by!

We Receive Christ Through Faith
Because we just can't prove any of this, so we're hoping you'll be gullible enough to buy into it without any kind of evidence. Boy, whoever invented faith was one shrewd businessman!

When We Receive Christ, We Experience a New Birth
Well, not literally, although we are currently developing giant plastic artificial wombs to rent out to local congregations so you can relive the thrill of being squeezed out into the world.

We Receive Christ by Personal Invitation
If you haven't received yours in the mail yet, be patient.

Receiving Christ involves destroying your own personality and replacing it with our theology. Just to agree intellectually that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins is not enough. Nor is it enough to have an emotional experience. You have to pay in cash on a regular basis or you will burn forever in hell.

These two circles represent two kinds of lives:

Which circle best describes your life?
Which circle would you like to have represent your life? Well, which will it be, you or our mythology? Be warned, if you pick you, you will be severely punished by our mythological creatures when you die. Of course, we have no proof of this, which is why you'd better take our word for it, because you just have to have faith. It's all perfectly logical. You can trust us.

The following explains how you can receive Christ:

You Can Receive Christ Right Now by Sending Us Cash

(checks or money orders also welcome)

God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the size of your wallet. The following is a suggested prayer:

"Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross, and all that other stuff. I open the folds of my wallet and give You as much cash as You want. Well, I can't give the cash directly to You, but these nice church folks have assured me that if I give it to them they'll make sure that You get it. Thank You for forgiving my sins and accepting my money. Take control of the finances of my bank account. Make me the kind of generous dupe You want me to be."

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart?

If it does, I invite you to pray this prayer right now, and Christ will drop by and say howdy, as He promised.

Offer not valid in AL, AK, AZ, AR, CA, CO, CT, DE, FL, GA, HI, ID, IL, IN, IA, KS, KY, LA, ME, MD, MA, MI, MN, MS, MO, MT, NE, NV, NH, NJ, NM, NY, NC, ND, OH, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, SD, TN, TX, UT, VT, VA, WA, WV, WI, WY, Guam, Puerto Rico, or anywhere else on planet Earth.

Spiritual growth results from trusting Jesus Christ. Do not, under any circumstances, trust yourself. You're not qualified to run your life. A life of faith will enable you to let God do all your thinking for you, and to practice the following:

	Go with God to buy me smokes (Dave, 4:17)
	Read God's Word daily ('cuz it changes from day to day)
	Obey God moment by moment (even if he tells you to bomb an abortion clinic)
	Witness, starring Harrison Ford (****)
	Trust God to get sidetracked. Where are my damn smokes? (Dave, 4:30)
	Holy Spirit finally shows up with my smokes. (Dave, 4:45)

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