A Family’s Attempt To Scatter Their Grandma’s Ashes Goes Horribly, Hilariously Wrong

Most people think that fantasy is better than reality. When you dream of having a family with your crush who doesn’t even know you exist, you never want to wake up. But, this story that’s about to unfold is going to show that sometimes, the truth is just way stranger than fiction.

This starts off as an emotional tale of a peaceful celebration of a grandmother’s life. A flawless scene that, if done correctly, will bring tears of joy to your eyes. Unfortunately for the Feltscheer family, but fortunately for us the reader, things really didn’t go as planned.

And So It Begins…

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

First of all, we have to thank Twitter for creating a platform that allows for these stories to be told.

While many people complain about the 140 character limit on tweets, it helps condense otherwise long stories into a plethora of small ones. Alright, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get onto the story.

Scattering Is Sacred

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

Funerals are emotionally draining, but I probably don’t need to tell you that. There are over 6000 deaths every hour, which results in many broken families.

On that depressing note, spreading the ashes is the closure that many family members need after a death. I will say that it’s kind of gross knowing that when you swim in an ocean or lake, you’re actually swimming in dead people.

Just A Scoop And Chuck

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

It should be interesting to note that that the cremation process doesn’t involve direct fire. The visual of a body going into a tube with fire is just plain wrong.

It’s the intense heat in the modern cremation chambers that reduce the body to ashes — no flame even touches the body. It’s also illegal to cremate more than one body at a time in a chamber.

Grandma’s Favorite Stomping Grounds

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

I swear I’m going to stop with these cremation facts soon, but they’re actually so interesting. The idea of cremation is a relatively new idea to America.

By 1920, there were only 20 working crematories in the US. By 2003, that number expanded to over 1,800. It’s become very popular because of the price. It’s only one-third of the price to be cremated as it is to have a body burial.

Right.In.The.Face

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

Okay, one more thing about cremation. It’s the way greener option opposed to a burial. When you get buried, the preparation process involves taking in an insane amount of chemicals that aren’t good for the ground.

Cremation, on the other hand, reduces the body to a biodegradable mineral ash. So, if you’re looking to save the planet when you die, you really only have one option.

The Story Only Gets Better

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Photo Credit: Reaction Gifs

Back to the story. There’s perhaps nothing worse than getting a sprinkle of your grandmother’s ashes in the face.

That was probably just her attacking the cousins because she still has that grandma intuition that they were hungry. Being hungry at your grandparent’s house is a crime.

Quick, Let’s Hatch A Plan

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

What’s great about this story is that it’s relatable on a deeper level than just the ashes getting thrown.

It’s a story about life and the ups and downs that are unexpectedly thrown your way. This family is having to adapt to the windy conditions that weren’t accounted for originally. The ability to adapt to life’s curveballs and cyclonic behavior is very impressive.

Hills In Heels, A Battle That Lives Forever

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

There are very few battles that will stand the test of time. One of them is parents and their constant struggle with technology. The other is women in heels and elevated surfaces.

It’s hard to blame these aunties for having a hard time getting down the hill because they’re basically wearing stilts. As long as women wear stilts with their dresses, they should probably stay away from rocks, bar tops, hills, and tables.

HERE WE GO

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

Sorry, but I want to go back to my obsession with cremation for a second. It’s pretty obvious that a funeral director doesn’t have to be there for the release of ashes, but there are times when an FD does have to be present when disposing of a body in the ocean.

Some people want their casket thrown into the ocean, and there are special preparations that need to be made before that happens. In most states, a funeral director has to be present by law.

Because Baby You’re A FIIIIIIREWORK

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Photo Credit: Giphy

I apologize for getting that annoyingly catchy Katy Perry song stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Back to the story. I know what you’re thinking, ” after a few hiccups, this story is starting to smooth out a little bit.” Oh, just you wait. It’s about to kick it to third gear, literally.

Grandma Is About To Get A Rude Awakening

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

It’s always astonishing to be on a beach and watch these insane people travel at Mach speed on a jet ski.

They glide across waves like they’re Jesus walking on water. All I have to say is that falling off one of those can’t be any fun. Considering the speeds that they can get up to, that water must feel like cement when they hit it.

Grannie-Soup

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

I’m sure that grandma would be very happy that she’s getting spread around her favorite bay, but my guess is that she isn’t loving the fact she’s now a grannie-soup.

I’ve eaten many different flavors of soup, but grannie-soup has never been on the top of my “to try” list. I think I’d rather try the cream of anchovies soup.

Oh No, Please No

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

If you think I’m about to lay some more cremation facts down for you, you’re wrong. But, why is it that in moments of immense sadness there is a strong urge to laugh?

It’s like when you’re at a funeral and just start laughing in your head and you can’t stop. Some psychologists say that laughing is a defense mechanism your body will use to deflect deeper emotions. It can be an unconscious process.

Holding In The Laughter Is Nearly Impossible

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Photo Credit: Giphy

This is one of those moments when the mood is supposed to be somber, but the environment is anything but.

I can only imagine how hard it would’ve been to try not to laugh during this circus. On the one hand, you don’t want to disrespect your grandma. On the other hand, a jet ski just churned her ashes.

There’s No Way She Even Knew What A Jetski Was

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

This story just outlines how important it is to have a sense of humor. If you can see the good through the bad times, your life is going to be way more fulfilled.

This guy’s mom just basically got ran over by a jet ski, yet he’s able to make light of the entire situation.

That’s One Special Ending To Grannie’s Life

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

All we have to say is THANK YOU, Mitch. We need more stories like this to be shared. There’s too much sadness in the news every da. Sometimes, we just need a little pick me up.

This story has everything you need for a good motion picture film. It has funny characters, many twists, and a happy ending. Paramount, get on this.

Just A Quick Sidenote

Just A Quick Sidenote

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I know, there’s been a lot of these throughout the article but bear with me here. This is a mind-blowing fact that is going to change your life.

The reason that the taste of artificial banana flavoring and artificial banana flavored products don’t actually taste like bananas is because it’s based on a type of banana that was wiped out by a plague in 1950. Boom. There’s your dinner table conversation starter. Naturally, people felt the need to share their own embarrassing scattering stories.

Our Own Oliver Twist

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

People started chiming in on the hilarious story with some of their own. Apparently messing up spreading the ashes is something that’s pretty common.

For young kids, this would just be a fun game. They don’t even realize that they’re throwing around their grandma like confetti at a birthday party.

It’s Just Nature Being Nature

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

Ducks like to eat two things — white bread and the ashes of dead people. These are just basic facts that we have to come to grips with.

There’s a little bit of comfort in knowing that parts of her body were eaten by ducks. It could be a lot worse. Imagine if a catfish got ahold of it? At least ducks are cute and are semi-useful in the animal kingdom.

Get The Urine Ready

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Photo Credit: Twitter / @mitchfel

So, take this piece of advice from someone who’s been stung by a jellyfish before: use urine. You’ll never want someone to pee on you so badly until you feel the pain of that sting.

It’s a burning, rashy sensation that lingers if you don’t treat it correctly. Unfortunately, the correct treatment is also a golden shower.