Awkward Things We All Secretly Do But Don’t Talk About
People are super awkward. Even the people who you think are super cool lay awake at night re-thinking that one time they said, "you too" when the waiter said, "enjoy your meal." We are doomed to a life of awkwardness. That is the human condition.
Keep reading to see your true self reflected back at you. That fake laugh that you do when you have no idea what somebody is saying, or your inability to get rid of all 60 of your unused t-shirts—it's all here.
The Classic Fake Out
We have all done this exact thing. When I do it, it's usually because I actually need to look at the map on my phone to figure out where the heck I'm supposed to be going.
But I secretly hope that everyone thinks I just got a very important message and I need to change my plans on the fly because of it.
Don't Let All The Cold Out
Step one: open fridge. Step two: look for food that you might want to eat. Step three: decide that there is nothing in there that tickles your fancy.
Step four: close fridge. Step five: open fridge. The cycle will repeat until you give up on the fridge and start doing the same thing to the pantry.
Just Act Natural
Sometimes it's hard to be a human. There's so much to coordinate. How are we supposed to look normal and process what's going on around us at the same time?
I've been in so many conversations that I have no memory of— but I do know that I maintained eye contact exactly 60% of the time, and that's what's important.
Keep Your Eyes On The Prize
My mother told me to always read the card first, even if it's just one of those generic ones and the card-giver just signed their name at the bottom of it.
Money is nice, but it's the thought that counts. Keep reading for that thing we all say when we don't want to get called out for ignoring someone.
Straight Zeros FTW
I have never been able to achieve this epic milestone, but I'm sure that when I do, a whole parade of people and balloons and confetti will come pouring out of the gas station to celebrate my achievement.
It will be a glorious day full of love and laughter. I can't wait.
Living That Screen Life
You try doing that fridge thing for a bit, then you walk around in a circle, check your phone, and go right back to the laptop.
We've all done it. At this point, it's just part of my daily routine. Time to go down a YouTube rabbit hole...
The Nice Way To Ignore People
This is the oldest trick in the book. It's so convenient that your replies never go through at the exact moment that you don't want to talk to any people— or that specific person.
We'll just keep believing the lies. It's more comfortable that way. Read on for that one thing we've all done at the grocery store.
Just A Touch Of Cancer
WebMD is actually the worst. I'm pretty sure they list cancer as a possible cause of any symptom you type in.
Do yourself a favor and go to an actual doctor. Doctors are these specially trained professionals who know how to tell you what's wrong with you without setting off all the alarm bells in your brain.
Don't Want Anybody To Get The Wrong Idea
The thing is, I have never been offended when somebody stood up right when I sat down. In fact, people moving away from me usually means that I get a whole bunch more personal space.
I'm still going to wait a minute before I get up if someone sits down next to me though. It's just the decent thing to do.
So Much Time Infront Of The Margarine
This one is hitting me hard. I spend a lot of time deciding on which ice cream to get— but I don't block the whole freezer like an inconsiderate jerk. I stand back so I can see all the options.
Other people aren't as nice, though. Then I have to pretend to be looking at frozen peas. Who considers different brands of frozen peas?
Just Pretend You Haven't Done Anything Wrong
You probably did something wrong at some point in your life— even if it wasn't something jail-worthy. That's why you gotta look innocent when the cops come around.
That way they won't figure out that you broke your brother's Transformer in 1999 and blamed it on the dog.
I Meant To Do That
Where are all my clumsy people? You guys know this one really well. Only a select few of us have perfected the "trip turned jog" maneuver.
It's a subtle art, and we take it very seriously. Read on for that thing that we all do with our extra t-shirts.
Every. Single. Time.
I'll look at the phone too. It's not like I didn't look at the time on my phone. The information just didn't make it from my eyes to my brain.
I don't know what's going on neurologically there, but somebody should do a study on this whole phenomenon.
HAHAHAHAHA HAha ha
Oh, Janice, you silly goose. I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm just going to say nothing and hope we move on to another topic.
I don't know if you're talking about your husband or your new job, but whatever it is, I'm sure it's hilarious.
Keeping That Cloth For Lyfe
Never get rid of an old t-shirt. That could be a sleep shirt. That could be a shirt that your girlfriend steals when she accidentally (on purpose) forgot hers at home.
T-shirts have sentimental value and practical value. You never know when you're going to need one.
Oh, There's That Guy From The Gym
I avoid situations like this like the plague. I have ducked into another aisle in a grocery store just to escape small talk.
It's worse when you don't even know the person's name. Ron Weasley knows what's up. Keep reading for the best and only way to enjoy a free sample.
A Little Embellishment Never Hurt Anybody
This is relatable as heck. Caps lock does a great job of communicating the emotion that I can't showcase on my face.
It's the future. We're all turning into robots. Soon we'll only be able to express true emotion through emojis and GIFs. Start collecting your GIFs now.
Does This Actually Happen To People?
Why would you be at the birthday party of a person whose name you don't know? Maybe the "happy birthday" song is just a high-pressure situation, and people freeze up?
Whatever is going on here, it doesn't seem normal to me. That cat does look confused, though.
TFW You Deserve An Oscar For Best Actor
The whole appeal of free samples is that they're free. Nobody actually wants to buy the whole product— at least not while they're enjoying the free sample.
That's when they break out their best "hmm... interesting" face. It's all an act— a beautiful, beautiful act.
Crunching The Numbers
Maybe if you didn't spend so much time calculating, you'd actually get some sleep. Of course, you knew that already.
We all know it, but that doesn't stop us from adding, subtracting, multiplying, and hypothesizing. It's all in a night's work. Also, if there's anything that could put you to sleep, it's probably math.
