Death is one of those things that we can’t run from; it’s going to happen someday. With death comes the grieving process, something that can take years because the feelings of loss can be crushing. That being said, the dead never really want us to mourn. They want us to celebrate.
What better way to commemorate someone than a beautiful obituary? Or, in some cases, hysterical obituaries that have you laughing out loud.
Short, Sweet And To The Point
Did you read the paper this morning? Doug died, Douglas Legler. You know, that guy who did that thing that one time. No, I don’t know what happened, the obituary literally just said, “Dog died.”
This obituary is not beating around the bush with a bunch of information and statements that people will skim over. If this is a product of Doug’s personality, he was a man of few words and we can’t help but giggle at the absurdity.
Never Scorn Someone’s Grandma
There’s nothing like good old-fashioned shade to make absent people feel worse about their absence. But this here is straight-up savage and we love it. But can you blame the writer? No one wants to watch people give “artificial respect” to someone they love solely because that person is no longer living.
We’re siding with the family on this one; everyone else can beat it. At least grandma’s best friend, grandson, and great-granddaughter had her back.
Everyone Teaches Something
Some people’s life goal is to discover a cure for cancer, while others are to catch their wife “playing the bum trumpet.” We’re not judging you, Bill, you probably had the best relationship with your wife. If anything, we’re jealous!
We do hope that it’s Judy who wrote this obituary, that would make this whole thing a love story for the ages. Not to mention the picture she chose! Here’s to hoping he catches that mythical rarity when they meet again.
Grandma Over Here Just Doing Old People Things
Where was this party and why were we not invited? I hope grandma had at least one glass of wine before deciding to put on the toilet seat necklace. Not that we’re complaining. She left us with this glorious picture, after all!
The fact that she looks so happy and pleased with herself makes this obituary photo a thousand times better. We can only hope to be a fraction as cool as her when we grow up.
This Woman And Her Incredible Accomplishments
What a queen! From this point forward, I’m going to take all of my dietary advice from the legendary Freeda Cummings. The FDA screwed up somewhere. They must have listed incorrect calorie counts and the healthy side effects of diet coke instead of bad because homegirl lived a long life.
Here’s to Freeda and her life of sledgehammering every rule of eating healthy. You will forever be my spirit animal you pecan pie and candy bar loving lady.
Is Stephen’s name really Stephen, or is it secretly Robin and he never told anyone. If he died due to an uppercut from Batman, we’re fairly sure he’s Robin. Either that or one of Batman’s many enemies.
Either way, we’re glad Stephen (Robin) was able to commemorate his favorite superhero one last time. Not to say it wouldn’t hurt, but being punched by batman would be kind of a cool way to go out.
Should Someone Tell Him Their Stats?
This die-hard Browns fan got the last laugh. Too soon for death puns? Since the rest of the obituary is blurred out, we don’t know much about this guy. Although one thing is certain, he has the roasting capabilities not found in everyday life. A skill that goes as far as burning an entire NFL team from beyond the grave, and I think that is just beautiful.
The Cleveland Browns better pick up their game, unless they want to respect the final wishes and let him down one last time.
The Name’s Jones, John E. “Jack” Jones
It’s no wonder Jack wanted everyone to see the new James Bond movie. He’s a car fanatic! Bond’s 1964 Aston Martin was probably Jack’s dream car, and we can’t blame him, that car is a beaut.
We like to imagine Jack finally got his hands on an Aston Martin and fulfilled the dream of Bond fanatics everywhere: pretending he was 007 while speeding around a racetrack. Jack, we thank you for your service, now go have some fun.
GET OFF THE ROAD!
Robert F. Gibson “Falcon” had a storied carrier in the military, spending “30 proud years as an officer of Marines.” Even though he retired with honors, there’s nothing quite like a dead man getting the last laugh at the expense of an entire state.
His obituary included that Falcon was “a native of Northern VA for the last 30 years of his life, he hated how all of you were incapable of driving competently.” Robert, did you ever think that maybe you had road rage?
So, this is what some people would call TMI, but I call it well placed humor amid other random information. I hope Chan’s dad at least thought to sterilize the knife before moving forward with the procedure.
I better not be the only one who had to look up crappie fish, because I honestly thought the writer was making fun of Chan’s lack of luck fishing. Maybe the guy never caught anything. I don’t know!
And The Mother Of The Year Award Goes To Someone Else
Nothing like someone else’s family drama to get the giggles going. We love how the obituary just gets progressively worse the longer you read. Then all of a sudden, all hell breaks loose, and the kids are publicly shamming their dead mother. Not that we mean to laugh at their hardship, we feel for you, Gina and Jay, but that is quite the story.
Best believe no one needs those bad vibes in their life anyway.
Dennis Was a Mediocre Dancer
Dennis is going to be remembered as three things, “a wonderful brother, hell of a dad, and a mediocre dancer.” Well, wait just a minute! What if Dennis thought he was a wonderful dancer? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all, and that accounts for all beauty, not just looks!
He’ll get the last laugh when he sees family and friends again, and he is dancing like he could win Dancing With The Stars.
Inappropriate With A Whole Lot Of Sarcasm
Price is definitely rolling his eyes right now. Of course, he’s going to be inappropriate and sarcastic in his afterlife, too. What’s life, or after, without some ill-timed, dry, and all-around tasteless humor? It’s no life at all, that’s what!
We love how the writer of this obituary wasn’t positive if his last comment was sarcastic, but if it’s classic Price, it’s a safe bet. We’ll have a cigar and round of bad jokes in your honor.
When I Die, Cremate Me
It’s said that everyone dies twice, once when you physically die and then again when your name is spoken for the last time. Well, Sybil, with this letter you have immortalized yourself for all eternity. Well done, you were able to put yourself in the same league as Greek gods.
With that new smoking hot body, your horse of a husband is going to be in for a big surprise when he sees you again!
Can Someone Please Tell Me What The Potted Meat Industry Is?
This obituary leaves us with a few questions. One of which is what in the world is the potted meat industry? Is it like a potted plant, but with cows? Also, why does the writer make it sound like the government thinks he’s a flight risk?
Not that we care, it makes for a great read! We especially like the part when he realized that running away from burning buildings is a bit safer than running into them. No, duh.
Pour One Out For Jimbo
James William “Jim” Adams had one final wish that he was sadly deprived of, “to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a date.” I guess if you’re going out anyway, why not make it in a blaze of glory filled with booze. Jim might be on to something.
And how can you argue with a man who spends his last days “bargaining with God to look over his dog, Biscuit.”
The OG Joker
Joe Heller was the original Impractical Joker, “Being born during the depression shaped Joe’s formative years and resulted in a lifetime of frugality, hoarding and cheap mischief, often at the expense of others.”
His daughters knew just what to ask of the funeral attendants, “don the most inappropriate T-Shirt that you are comfortable being seen in public with as Joe often did.” Time to joke your way across the sky, Joe.
One Going On One Hundred
Dorothy A. “Stella” Scrobola was described as a “unique and caring individual who touched the lives of all who knew her.” I don’t think the writer knew that was going to be taken literally. Know, we all know that little old Stella enjoyed the occasional cuss word, illustrating her family life to include “a [expletive] of grandchildren; and one big great-grandson.”
Way to just throw that in there, Stella! And can someone please explain to me how you get Stella from Dorothy?
I’m So Sorry, Moe
To say this obituary has a slew of things wrong with it would be an understatement. But they are glorious problems. First off, this poor man was already graced with the first name Moe and the last name Lester. You’d think that the newspaper company would have the decency to put a gigantic space between the two!
The term “slipped” could really be taken the wrong way. Did Moe Lester slip into the night to escape the cops?
Mr. Money Bags
Henry Wheeler, this here is cruel and unusual punishment: “loving husband and father of three passed away on September 7th at the age of 92, just seconds before he was able to tell his daughter where he had hid the family fortune.”
What’s with the theatrics? Learn from Henry, folks, if there is ever a family fortune just blurt out its location. It’s not like your relatives are going to share the wealth. Humans are selfish that way.
A Lady Who Knows What She Likes
There is something to be said about a woman who knows what she likes. Honestly, who can blame Jan for liking Tom Brady more than her own grandchildren? He’s easy on the eyes. What we can judge her on is her liking of room temperature Budweiser.
Did anyone introduce this poor old lady to some good beer? Perhaps cold beet, while we’re at it? At least she as able to complete the weirdly entertaining OJ trial.
People Usually Have One Reason They Want To Be Cremated. Danny Had Two
At least Danny passed away with a sense of humor! Unfortunately, it looks like his family didn’t want to go along with his prankster ways and decided to cremate him instead of posting him up in the corner like some waxy box office clerk selling tickets.
Missed opportunity, if you ask us. Alas, it would have been a bit creepy. Hopefully, Danny can meet up with the Brown’s fan and talk about how they both requested their football teams as pallbearers so they could let them down one last time.
Looks Like Philip Knew He Was On The Verge Of Death
Being born on the first of April must automatically make you a professional joker of some kind. Why else would the first line of Philip’s obituary read, “I told you this would happen” if he didn’t have the best dry sense of humor imaginable.
Not to mention the inscription that is said to be on his tombstone, “This corpse, is Phil Thorpe’s.” At least no one will be confused about who is lying six feet under them!
Cowboys Vs. Eagles
Oh Robert, I’m sure you know by now, but The Birds did end up winning the Super bowl in your absence. Maybe one day you’ll be able to watch your boys play for the championship and again watch Dez “catch the ball.”
Regardless of your team loyalty, we’re happy to know that you have the best seat in the house to watch the National Football League’s season. Hopefully your fantasy draft was a bit better than ours, this year.
An Irishman Through And Through
There are so many questions we would like to ask the Irishman, Chris Connors. First of all, how in the world was he able to get his hospice nurse to wear a bikini? Dying man’s last wish? Though he was probably hurting, he didn’t fail to give us one last laugh.
He died the way an Irishman would want to go out: surrounded by friends and family, Al Green playing in the background, and a belly full of whiskey.
A Loving Husband, Father, And Hoarder
Is this an obituary or a garage sale listing? We can’t help but laugh at the daughter and wife’s insistence that people should come and pick up the “junk” her late husband left behind.
Not that we blame her… what in the world does one person need with “half a dozen circular saws.” At least they let the potential buyers know that they should allow the family to mourn before inquiring about the stuff. How thoughtful!
Nothing Like Writing Your Own Obituary
This is the most self-aware obituary we have ever read. It is glorious! There is nothing quite like a sassy older lady explaining her life via the written word. We also love how she doesn’t think her audience will believe her about her birthdate. We swear we believe you!
We also feel your pain with becoming known as the middle sister, (aka, the forgotten child). We will make a toast in your honor to all of the middle daughters out there.
Wicked Witch Of New Castle
Nothing shows a mother’s love than her children saying “ding dong the witch is dead, but the memory of our mother lives on.” Does that mean she had a dual personality like Jekyll and Hyde? Or just one last prank on a mother? Our vote is for the latter.
Wherever you are now, Johanna, keep on being your zesty self! Here’s to hoping you have an unlimited supply of that drink from The Lizard Lady.
Guess This Means He Never Watched KUWTK
Honestly, Big Al’s list of things he hated is not too out there. Except for not liking shorts. Unless he was ghostly pale, there is really no reason to have a vendetta against the article of clothing. It’s just a comfort thing in the summer months! Who wants to wear pants when it’s blazing hot outside?
He’s also not really missing anything when it comes to the Kardashian/West/Jenner drama. It’s no wonder he didn’t care for reality television.
The Big Blonde Tiger
The Big Blonde Tiger is right! If that mane of blonde hair doesn’t scream Southern lady, what does? Considering all of the snark in Kerry’s obituary, it’s safe to say her passing away at 4:20 might have been planned.
We’re kind of curious what late-night television show bored her to death. Maybe it was a rerun of one of Billy Mays’ OxiClean infomercials. Thank you, Kerry. Now we all have his voice stuck in our heads!
Cat Ladies, Move On Over For The Parrot Lady
We don’t discriminate against lifestyle choices, but can we just say that living out of a converted bread truck is an epic lifestyle! That must have been such a fun DYI project.
Hopefully, the three parrots didn’t mind sharing a cramped space like that, but it seems as though Karen loved her pets so I’m sure they didn’t mind. Thank you for giving us a beautiful visual of a parrot singing along to Ricky Martin’s “Living La Vida Loca.”
Is This A Man Or An Urban Legend?
Well, Chris, what can we say? Thank you for your colorful obituary that gave us a glimpse into your rather eventful life! There’s no doubt in our minds that you are either teaching the ways of the guitar to Obi-Wan while he tries to cheat by using the force.
Or are you hiding out in Canada, just recording some demo that you can’t wait to unleash on the world? Whatever the case, just make sure you don’t miss the Obi-Wan mini-series that’s being made!
A Woman With Many Lessons
Oh, Pink, how do we even begin to start thanking you for all of these marvelous lessons? Well, maybe except the brushing an opossum one. Those things tend to be rabid, you know, even though they would probably enjoy the feeling.
We’re sure your 17 grandchildren will use that old pantyhose life-hacks. Who wouldn’t want to snuggle up with one, two, or three dogs during a cold winters night in New “Joisey?” It sounds like a dream!
Bill Seemed Like A Fun Guy To Be Around!
By his picture, Bill seemed like a stand-up guy! Then again, after reading his obituary it looks like he enjoyed making people feel uncomfortable. Not that we care. who wouldn’t like it if someone came up and started playing fun piano music!
It’s too bad he broke his hip playing a one-man game of musical chairs. Here’s to throwing out fist bumps to all of the strangers you are bound to meet in the afterlife!
The Man. The Myth. The Legend
It always makes us laugh when obituaries list the likes and dislikes of the recently deceased. But nothing makes a list great like the pairing of a nice Reeses Peanut Butter Cup and Jim Beam. After all, whiskey and chocolate go together like peanut butter and jelly!
Just add a little Southern food smothered in cane syrup and you have yourself a nutritious meal. After all, who needs those vegetables that Freddie disliked so much!
A Plaid Pork Pie Hat
“Plaid pork pie hat” is one of the most Southern things we have ever heard of. Ria Pell was a beloved fixture in the Atlanta community and was known for that hat and for her sassy personality.
At least Ria knew exactly what she wanted to be buried in! That’s more than a lot of people can say, and then they end up being buried in something they would have hated. Her loved ones knew better.
The OG Hippy
The “she” in question in Virginia R. Fieldman, and nothing says eternal love like eagerly agreeing to go canoeing on your wedding night at your husband’s suggestion! Maine during the mid-1960s must have been a wild time, so it’s no wonder they decided to flee there after their marriage.
Virginia lived the life we all wish we could have. One of love, the outdoors, and many many furry animals. Virginia, we hope you are now in your dream camper underneath a blanket of stars.
Scotch, Scotch, And Some More Scotch
After reading over this obituary we think it’s safe to say that Howard Wayne Neal liked a nice glass of scotch. It’s no wonder he mentioned wishing he didn’t treat his body like a tavern in his later years!
From the sounds of it, the man could definitely throw one or two back! Considering whoever wrote this obituary is a bit flustered over his Facebook presence, there is probably some evidence suggesting more than a few bar crawls.
A Life Well Lived, Falling In Love And Traveling
Barbara Ann Havens seemed like a woman who knew what she wanted. She was able to fall in love with many men in her university years, settling on a “bespectacled” man. Was it too hard just to write that he wore glasses?
Anyhoo, Barbs knew how to make the most of her travels. Do you think it’s possible that she climbed the Eiffel Tower with a cocktail in one hand and a cigarette in the other? Now that’s some fine multitasking.
Just Prepping For The Apocalypse
It’s unfortunate that Terry passed away before he could put those 32 jars of Miracle Whip and 17 boxes of Hamburger Helper to good use. Not to say that he wasn’t preparing to the best of his abilities, but inquiring minds would love to know what he was going to do with those specific supplies.
Wouldn’t it be more advantageous to hoard canned foods and not a sandwich condiment? At least you can cook the Hamburger Helper over a fire. Thank you for leaving us with more questions than answers, Terry.