Online dating is quickly becoming the primary method for adults to find dating companions and relationships. The problem with dating websites is that you don’t know who you’re talking to. Pictures can only tell you so much about the person that you’re talking to (if it’s even really them in the picture).
Everyone puts their best foot forward on their profiles, so it’s hard to know what you’re getting yourself into. One online dating horror story was plastered all over Twitter in one of the funniest threads of all time. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever heard of before. Let’s just say that I’m very happy this didn’t happen to me.
And So It Begins…
Okay, so here we go. This is about to get real so prepare the chips and dip, the popcorn and watermelon, and let’s enjoy the ride.
Don’t necessarily let the age fool you. Yes, 97 is indeed old to say the very least, but that doesn’t mean we need to judge right away. A 97-year-old woman in Florida just became a competitive bodybuilder so there’s hope that this will turn out perfectly okay.
Ignorance Played A HUGE Factor
This is what I was saying earlier about not knowing what you’re getting yourself into until you see them in person. You could be thinking you’re going on a date with Beyoncé and then they show up and look more like Tyler Perry.
There are a few tricks you can use if you’re ugly and don’t want people to know. You can either put a group picture with your hot friends that you snuck in, or you can have an image from a distance that doesn’t show your face.
The Intrigue Was REAL
One of the best things about going on a date with an old person would be the fact that they have a lot of wisdom to share with all of the years under their belt.
If you’re a naturally curious person, dating can be a lot of fun, even if the one you’re on a date with isn’t your type. The WORST CASE is that Priya will get a tour around the world from this old man during their date, right? Wrong.
Wait, Eating Dinner At A Reasonable Time?
This is something that I will wholeheartedly side with the old man on. First of all, dinner is at six or six-thirty LATEST. There’s no way that I can wait until eight or nine to have dinner.
Not only that, but then I’d be going to bed with a full stomach of food, which is unpleasant and unnecessary. Shoving dinner down your throat before seven gives you the rest of the night to be productive.
So Much Mystery
This is a power move. Going on a coffee date is a perfect suggestion because everyone is their best self when drinking coffee.
If you’re a coffee drinker, you know exactly what I’m talking about. There should be a law that prohibits ANYONE from talking to you at work before you consume your first coffee of the day. It makes everyone just a little bit more tolerable, which is perfect for a first date.
Already They Have Something In Common
Dating is all about finding the small similarities and exposing them. For example, if you both like Snickers, perfect. If you both like making your friends wait 50 minutes for a coffee date because you don’t value punctuality, amazing.
With that being said, for a relationship to last, you both need to hate the same things and people as well. You can’t have Robert the annoying neighbor being liked by one of you and hated by the other. You need to stand firm together in your hate.
WHAT IS THAT?
Uh oh, the story is about to heat UP. Is the person she’s on a date with actually just a pile of moving coats and not actually even a human at all? If so, how would he identify himself on a passport?
Or, if he’s just a pile of coats, does that mean he traveled the world solely on the backs of other people? Kind of puts a new meaning to backpacking I guess. Okay, now I’m interested.
The Visual Is Absolutely Hilarious
If you’re Priya, what do you do at that point? You know you just got duped by an elderly gentleman and now have to live with the consequences. You don’t want your face to show that you’re petrified, but you also don’t want him to know you’re comfortable with what’s happening.
She’s right though. There’s being old, and then there’s not understanding internet culture old. If they think the word “meme” is just a typo, I think that they’re on a different level of the aging process.
Of Course He Was Drinking That
Okay, remember how I was talking about how going on a coffee date is perfect because it brings out your best self? Well, I forgot to mention that for some people tea has the same effect.
But, only specific teas. So, green tea. yes. An English Breakfast tea, yes. Chamomile tea? NO. Drinking that stuff while on a date should be an immediate red flag. If their idea of “being alert” involves a tea that puts you to sleep than I think you should pass.
What Was The Vietnam Cuisine Like?
Now that would be a gamechanger. If he was a Vietnam veteran, it would make the date so much better. Hearing the stories from that war would be a once in a lifetime opportunity because there aren’t many vets left.
But, the fact that he’s worried about coffee keeping him up at 6 pm is a mild concern. Again, if he’s a vet then it will completely exempt him from any wrongdoing as long as he tells the unfiltered stories.
We See Right Through Your Lies, Sir
There’s a very weird stigma that follows online dating, specifically with older people. Similar to fight club, the first rule about having a dating profile is to not talk about that dating profile.
It’s almost as if you’re supposed to forget how you met the person you’re currently on a date with. There’s no way that he was telling the truth here. And you’ll find out more on that near the end of the story.
Same, Same, But VERY Different
At this point, if I was Priya, I would probably believe him that he had his OKCupid account for “research purposes” on his new book. I mean, he’s like 97 years old, so his social media knowledge is probably lacking.
Just a side note: I will predict that the next World War will come in the form of old people against the internet. It’s a constant battle for them to figure out how it all works and there has to be a tipping point. It’s going to come soon.
It Was Getting Late
Again, quick and easy. I like the way that this old man is thinking right now. It’s like he’s been on a few first dates in his time. They should be exactly an hour because that’s enough time to get to know the person but not overstay your welcome.
I do question what he’s going to do with the rest of his night though. Does he draw? Does he need to prepare for bed two hours early? We need answers, and I think they’re going to be coming soon.
Hold The Phone, It’s About To Take A Weird Turn
I don’t know what I would do. I mean, it’s a completely innocent touch from an elderly person (probably similar to most of our grandparents) so it really shouldn’t be weird. But it is.
When he THINKS that you’re on a date (which is understood that it means you’re probably interested in him) then it just seems much weirder. I don’t know about you, but having your body feel “small and cold and dry like a twig” isn’t exactly flattering, but she won’t need to worry about him ever finding this Twitter thread.
It Rhymes With Bick
This is shocking. How does he go from a cute old man who travels the world to want to star in a softcore adult film? This also answers the question as to why he was on OKC in the first place.
While everything unravels in front of this Priya, how does she take it? Does she go with him? Does she let him down easy and just say that it’s the first date and she’s not that type of girl? Does she just plainly blackout?
The Unintentional Intentional Blackout
This is why we should love the human body even more than we already do. It’s comforting to know that if a (potential) 97-year-old asks you to have sex out of the blue, your mind will just shut off to protect you from that.
More then anything, this is a life lesson for us all. If you think that you’re going to be going on a date with an old man, just don’t go. Trust your gut feeling because odds are he’s going to, uh, do exactly what happened here to Priya.
We NEED Answers
What do you even do at that moment? That has got to be hands-down one of the most awkward situations a human being could ever be in.
If you laugh, then it makes it seem like you are somewhat interested in the proposal that he just gave you. Perhaps the most appropriate response would be to just vomit slightly in your mouth and blame it on food poisoning and leave.
In Complete Shock
WHAT WERE THE WORDS? We need to know. This needs to be a learning moment for us in case we ever get ourselves in that situation. What works? What doesn’t?
It’s like being in a drunken blackout. You don’t remember doing or saying something until someone reminds and then it hits you like a brick wall. Maybe it’s not the booze that makes you black out — it’s your body shutting your brain off because it knows you’re about to do something stupid.
Have you ever done something so gross mentally and emotionally that you take a shower because you feel so internally dirty? Well, that’s exactly what Priya is doing, and it’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever heard.
Although the shower doesn’t clean your dignity, it can clean everything else, and that’s the next best thing. I am officially scared to ever go on a date that started online.