The latest trend to grace the pages of Twitter is people sharing what you should have done by age 35, and it’s a bit overwhelming. The tweets started out harmless, but they got way too real, way too quick.
If you think you’ll have more friends by age 35, you’re in for quite the surprise. And don’t forget about that pesky potato masher that everyone owns, no one has ever used, yet we keep around just to take up space in our drawers. Everyone already knew millennials were helpless, but at least these tweets remind us that we’re in it together.
You Definitely Stole It From The Break Room At Work Too
This has to be one of the most common struggles for anyone who has mismatched cutlery. It’s always a fork or spoon that you used at work, brought home by accident, and refuse to return or throw out.
It’s always an awkward size too. Not a small fork, but not a big one. So you don’t even know where to put it in the drawer.
Access To Every Movie Ever Made, And You’ll Still Watch The Office
Online streaming may be the way of the future, but when you add up all those streaming service bills, it feels like millennials kind of played themselves.
Between Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, PlayStation, HBO, Vevo — the list goes on and on. If only there were one physical place where all of these films were available.
There Needs To Be A Universal Takeout Container
At least some people are a step ahead of the game and have actual Tupperware. Even if they don’t match, that’s one step above my cupboards full of mismatched takeout containers.
At this point, I need the FDA to regulate a universal takeout container so that I can feel like I’ve got some control over my life.
We Don’t Need This Negativity
If people could stop reminding me of this, that would be great. I’m perfectly comfortable living in my unrealistic bubble believing that 1990 was only ten years ago and that 2030 is ages away.
Ignorance is bliss. During times like this, no one needs this negativity in their lives.
Start Splitting Your Soul ASAP
Desperate times call for desperate measures. If I can’t afford my next hospital bill, you’d better believe that I have a realistic backup plan in place.
You’re better safe than sorry, so by age 35, I’d even be up to four Horcruxes. At this rate, I’ll be working at Starbucks for centuries.
If You’re Not Antisocial By Now, It Won’t Take Long
Any extroverts out there who think they can maintain that level of energy all their lives are lying to themselves. Even if you have the energy to make plans, all your friends are busy getting married or having kids.
Be the responsible one and finally buy a cable package and spend every night on your couch.
The Issue Plaguing A Generation
Has any millennial out there actually ever made mashed potatoes in their own home for any reason other than a holiday? Seriously. Why do we all own a potato masher when none of us use it?
I don’t even know where my potato masher came from. I just know that I have one.
You Never Appreciated The Naps You Got In Preschool
You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Long gone are the days where naps were a mandatory part of your day. Now, you debate calling in sick once a week just so that you can get a few extra hours of sleep.
Yes, you could just go to bed earlier, but that makes too much sense.
Please, Just Steal My Identity
At this point, if I’m not physically prompted by work to change my passwords, it’s not going to happen. I will stick with the super insecure password that I can remember, even if it means I’ll likely have my identity stolen.
If anyone out there wants to pretend to be me, please go ahead. Maybe you’ll manage to fix a few things.
Narrator: You Will Never Hang Out Soon
This is yet another downside to you and all your friends getting married and having kids. You may think you will hang out next week, but Marissa has ballet class, and Greyson has soccer practice, and it’s just way too busy this week, but the week after should work fine.
And you’ll say this over and over until one of you implodes.
But None Of Them Will Work When You Need Them To
At first, I thought the box of cables was just a thing that all guys did, but it’s just an adult thing. That box of cables will still have the game link cable for my Nintendo Game Boy.
Realistically, the only cable we ever need from the box is the AUX cord and our phone chargers.
We’ve All Become Cartoon Characters
Remember all those times when we were kids and laughed at the fact that our favorite cartoon characters would wear the same shirt and pants every day? Well, fiction has become our reality.
Of course, we all have a closet full of bright patterns and bold, trendy clothes. But jeans and a t-shirt will always come out on top.
Who Knew You’d Love Cleaning The Bathroom Vents This Much
This one hits way too close to home. I’m not sure at what age we realize that we’re exactly like our mom or dad, but by age 35 we.ve picked up all their crazy habits.
If you’d told me that by now I’d clean the dust off the baseboards each morning and have a label on every container in the house, I wouldn’t have believed you.
I Can’t Do It, And Home Depot Can’t Help
I firmly believe that Home Depot and Lowes are part of a grand conspiracy to get people to think they can do things for themselves, so they don’t hire professionals.
That back deck you started two years ago would have been finished in two days if you just swallowed your pride and hired a professional.
And You Still Always Forget To Bring Reusable Ones To The Grocery Store
It doesn’t matter how many times you try and remember, those reusable bags you bought for a dollar at the grocery store once will never see the light of day again. I’ve had times where I remembered to bring the reusable bags, then forgot them in the car.
Instead, our secret hideaway of plastic bags will keep growing and growing, never to be used again.
That Summer Internship In College Didn’t Help At All
Everyone in college says that volunteering and unpaid internships make a big difference, and the harsh truth is that they don’t count for jack.
You can volunteer at the food bank for hours, but if you don’t have five years experience in a new position, you’re out of luck. Just ask your high school student council president, who is now a gas station attendant.
What’s A 401(K)?
Everyone is always saying that high school students should be learning about taxes rather than advance quadratics, but let’s be honest, none of them will be able to afford to put money into a 401(k) each paycheck.
We can teach them what it is, but any 35-year-old knows that being financially stable is so last generation.
Photographic Evidence Of Your Emo Phase
Those USBs are risky business. They might just hold some photos from your family vacation or a guest list to your sister’s bridal shower.
Or they could hold your e-diary you decided to start when you were sixteen. Or worse, photos from junior prom when you had just decided to try spray tanning.
We Can All Be The Dread Pirate Roberts If We Try
The point of Dread Pirate Roberts from The Princess Bride was that it could be anyone. Unfortunately, Dread Pirate Roberts got ruined for all of us when drug-trafficker Ross Ulbricht used it as his name on the dark website, Silk Road.
Maybe 35-year-olds need to make up a legend of their own and we’ll all silently become one mega-millennial.
We Still Have Time To Get It Together
All these tweets about what to expect when you’re 35 may have us questioning everything, but Jessica has a point. Meghan Markle just executed the greatest glo-up of all time, and she’s 36.
We can all sleep soundly at night knowing that we now have one extra year to get out lives together.