Basic bros are easy to spot. You can probably look at a guy’s Instagram and know pretty quickly if he fits the basic bro mold. Once you start dating one though, you can become blind to the obvious signs of basic bro-dom.
Keep reading for a handy dandy checklist of all the things that combine to create a perfect basic bro storm.
He Still Brags About His High School Or College Sports Achievements
Any man who still brags about how he was the quarterback on his high school football team obviously hasn’t done anything impressive since then.
Come on Basic Bro, put your college trophies away and move on with your life. We get it. You’re good at throwing balls.
He Brags About How Much He Can Lift
It’s as if lifting is their only achievement other than the trophies they won in high school. It’s even worse when they ask other bros how much they lift.
What is the point of that question? What are they trying to prove? Is there even a right answer?
His Flirting Involves Telling You He Could Bench Press You
This is never not awkward. First of all, nobody wants to be bench pressed. Second of all, are you implying that I’m light or that you’re strong? Because it can’t be both.
Also, please don’t guess how much I weigh. There’s no way for that to end well.
He Wears His Hat Backwards Or Sideways
Baseball caps have a brim to keep the sun out of your eyes. If you’re not using it for that purpose, then what are you using it for? Fashion? Because that’s not fashion.
It’s just a dead giveaway that you’re a classic basic bro.
He Wears Axe Body Spray
How come every kid in middle school thinks that Axe Body Spray is a shower replacement? It’s completely overbearing and it honestly doesn’t smell very good. Find a new smell.
I can forgive the middle school kids because they don’t know any better, but come on adults, step it up.
He Still Plays Drinking Games Well After College
If you’re playing beer pong unironically as an adult, you’ve probably got some growing up to do. Just sit down and drink your beer if you’re going to be a beer drinker.
You don’t need to throw ping pong balls in it. It’s time to stop.
He Calls Himself “The Grill Master”
It’s not hard to cook food on a grill. Literally anybody can do it. Unless you’ve actually entered barbecue competitions, you don’t have the right to call yourself a grill master. I think you’ve been watching too much Food Network.
Just put the tongs down and walk away.
He Does This Pose In Every Picture
Could these guys get any more basic? Look at them with their iced coffees and slicked back hair. Why that awkward sideways peace sign?
Even if this picture is supposed to be ironic, you can sort of tell that they’re a little too into it.
Daniel Tosh Is His Favorite Comedian
I like Daniel Tosh as much as the next guy. He’s alright. Sometimes he says something funny but mostly he’s just loud and annoying. If your man’s favorite comedian is Daniel Tosh, he might be relating to him just a little to hard.
Tosh is like the basic bro mascot.
He Blames You Bad Mood On “That Time Of The Month”
This one is just not okay. That time of the month doesn’t give your man an excuse to do infuriating things and then claim you’re just infuriated because of biology.
He probably couldn’t even explain the biology if he tried. Dump this man immediately.
He Bumps Chests With His Boys
If your man calls his friends “boys” and he regularly bumps his chest into theirs, then he just might be a basic bro.
Why is this even a thing? Doesn’t it hurt? Seriously boys, stop doing this before you break a rib. It looks pretty dangerous.
He Quotes Family Guy All The Time
Seth Macfarlane sounds like a pretty stand up guy, but if your man is constantly quoting him, maybe he doesn’t have any original thoughts? Family Guy was good in its day, but its day is over. Macfarlane doesn’t even write it anymore.
It’s time for everyone to move on.
He Proudly Displays His Empty Alcohol Bottles In His Room
This one’s low even for college students. Drinking is not an accomplishment. Please recycle your empty bottles and help us save the planet.
Also, empty bottles make horrible home decor. Literally nobody wants to see that. Good for you for drinking, now go do something productive with your life.
He Has A Tribal Tattoo
A tribal tattoo says, “I wanted to look badass, and also show off my muscles, but I had no good tattoo ideas, so I got this.”
Seriously, basic bros, you are basically branding yourselves with these things. Show a little bit of restraint. If you’re going to get a tattoo, at least pick something cool.
He Was In A Fraternity
I’m not saying every boy who’s ever been in a frat is a basic bro, but I’m also not not saying that. Fraternities are where basic bros are made.
Boys walk into them blank slates and walk out with backwards hats and the worst Instagram poses.
He Wears Boat Shoes
How did boat shoes become the basic bro uniform? They started off preppy and now they’re as basic as basic gets.
These are like the male version of Uggs. You know they make other kinds of shoes, right? Like, you can branch out a little bit.
He Revs His Engine To Show Off
Basic bros are very proud of their cars, even if their cars are still financed by their parents. They’ll never miss an opportunity to show off how loud their engine is.
Because that’s a thing? Loud engines are good? I don’t think I’ll ever understand.
He Can Play Guitar (Sort Of)
Ok, so he only knows two songs and one of them is “Wonderwall.” I don’t think that counts as playing guitar.
Also, he only learned those two songs because he heard that chicks like dudes who can play guitar. He also uses the term “chicks” regularly.
He Calls His Basement “The Man Cave”
Are you a bear? No? Then you don’t live in a cave. Your basement is not a cave. It’s a basement. Your garage is not a cave. It’s a garage.
You don’t need a cave. You are a human being. Maybe hide the evidence that you haven’t matured since eighth grade.
He Loves Coachella
This one I’m willing to forgive because a lot of people like Coachella. Liking a music festival doesn’t automatically make you a basic bro.
A lot of basic bros do like Coachella though. It can’t just be a coincidence. This might not be a sure sign, but it’s definitely a sign.