Every Time That Fragile Masculinity Proved Women Are One Step Closer To Taking Over The World

Boys grow up with blue rooms, playing with toy trucks, and rubbing dirt in their cuts instead of crying about it. Those gender “norms” seem harmless, but those people grow up with the idea that being a man means acting a certain way. Before you know it, those men are feeling utterly helpless because they’ve finally realized that the world doesn’t revolve around them. It’s a tough pill to swallow, I know.

To make up for this shocking revelation, they double down on their masculinity with outrageous products like the tactical camo diaper bag and books of “broetry.” While the men are busy trying to patch up their fragile masculinity any way they can, the women of the world are organizing in the wings waiting to strike.

Imagine Being Scared To Eat A Donut Because It Had Pink Icing

Life is hard when even the local Country Style has restricted your ability to choose a donut in peace. Long gone are the days where you could count on walking in, getting a vanilla dip, and having it count on being a manly-colored icing.

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Photo credit: @pizza_chu / Twitter
Photo credit: @pizza_chu / Twitter

Finally, someone has invented a donut so dry that it can crumble as easily as the patriarchy.

Those Crazy Hippies Might Have Been On To Something After All

So many years were spent criticizing the counter-culture, but maybe it’s time to learn from them. Maybe marijuana isn’t actually the Devil’s grass.

Photo credit: @miss_sazabi / Twitter
Photo credit: @miss_sazabi / Twitter

Maybe men actually have feelings, and the stigma to repress them and deal with them “like a man” has led to men committing suicide 3.5 times more than women. Maybe.

Detail Your Manly Motorcycle With These Manly Cotton Swabs

Who knew that those little cotton swabs you mom uses to clean her mascara can be used for so many manly things? Thankfully Q-tips created a handy chart to show all the cool stuff you can use this neat tool for.

Photo credit: @ChrisDStedman / Twitter
Photo credit: @ChrisDStedman / Twitter

It’s Not Easy Raising A Tiny Human And Maintaining Your Fragile Masculinity

Being a parent is hard. Now that your wife is done spending nine months growing another life and pushing it out of her, the focus can be on how you look when you’re carrying around a bottle of formula.

Photo credit: @TaraAriano / Twitter
Photo credit: @TaraAriano / Twitter

Carry that teddy bear confidently with a tactical camo diaper bag.

It Would Be Easier To Just Ban Men From Buying Bananas

The debate around the banana will never end. Just recently Wiz Khalifa said that men should never eat a banana whole, and should always break it apart.

Photo credit: Instagram
Photo credit: Instagram

But is scooping it with a spoon easier than breaking it into pieces? The jury is still out, but you know it will rule in favor of whatever the old, white man thinks.

You Wouldn’t Want People To Think You’re Staring At The Model And Not The Shirt

I need to know the name of the genius who realized that it’s easier to force a dog to wear human clothes than convince men that looking through a magazine doesn’t question your sexuality. Now men can check how deep that V-neck goes without an internal crisis.

Photo credit: @witchlits / Twitter
Photo credit: @witchlits / Twitter

Finally, You Can Praise The Lord With Your Manliness In Tact

Ever since they finally accepted female apostles into the canon and stopped suggesting mandatory female submission in the New Testament, being devoutly religious just hasn’t been the same.

Photo credit: @StuffCCLikes / Twitter
Photo credit: @StuffCCLikes / Twitter

This Bible will help men discover how to physically be as ripped as Jesus was. Nice.

Go Spread Eagle With None Of Your Bros Judging You

Downward dog is a no. Downward dawg is a yes. Yoga for bros has finally figured out the perfect way for all the men out there with a great sense of balance to stretch out those tight hamstrings.

Photo credit: @theebster / Twitter
Photo credit: @theebster / Twitter

It wouldn’t be complete without a lotus flower made out of footballs.

Someone’s Finally Figured Out A Way To Make Poetry A Male-Dominated Field

Brian McGackin is the hero every man needed so that they can finally express their rhyme-schemes without judgment. If only men had dominated this field in previous centuries.

Photo credit: @jessica_kramer / Twitter
Photo credit: @jessica_kramer / Twitter

Masculinity More Fragile Than 18th Century Porcelain

Men can finally do antique shopping in peace now that there’s a place where they can buy tiny ornate teacups without judgment.

Photo credit: @DanaSchwartzzz / Twitter
Photo credit: @DanaSchwartzzz / Twitter

If any of their buds question why they have a 17th-century leather-bought diary, they can kindly tell them to screw off while they read the precious words of an old nun.

It’s In A Mason Mug So It’s Instantly Acceptable

Saturdays might be for the boys, but who says Sunday brunch can’t be too? If you can go to pound town on a 12-pack of Bud Light, you can knock back a few Man-Mosas the next time.

Photo credit: @tmoc714 / Twitter
Photo credit: @tmoc714 / Twitter

Fruity drinks have never tasted so rugged now that they’re in a mason mug instead of a girly champagne glass.

Thankfully They Had Their Masculinity Bucket On Hand

Shoutout to the unpaid intern who is always around to be sure that no MLB player has to feel emasculated by the knowledgable and good-looking female sports reporter. It’s not her fault she’s so tall with those heels. After all, it’s the patriarchy that created the expectation for her to walk around in stilettos on grass.

Photo credit: @Kate_ohalloran / Twitter
Photo credit: @Kate_ohalloran / Twitter

You’re Only A True Man If You Can Repel Water

Uhm, yes, that’s exactly what’s supposed to happen when you turn 18. Once you become old enough to legally cave to the pressure of the cigarette lobby and vote in Gerrymandered elections, then you also become waterproof.

Photo credit: @_jharold / Twitter
Photo credit: @_jharold / Twitter

Anyone who doesn’t automatically gain this skill at age 18 isn’t a real man.

If It’s Pink Then, You Shouldn’t Drink

There’s something about the fact that rosé is pink that makes men instantly terrified of the delicious wine. Worry no more. If they see you drinking Brosé, there’s no judgment.

Photo credit: @artofpictures / Instagram
Photo credit: @artofpictures / Instagram

The label has a fist on it. There’s nothing more manly than a fist with rosé tatted on the knuckles.

Death Before Accepting Any Basic Safety Precautions

Are any women out there surprised by a window sticker like this? We had two world wars within a century, and it couldn’t even eradicate the male population.

Photo credit: @missafayres / Twitter
Photo credit: @missafayres / Twitter

They might actually have some sort of superstrength that keeps the odds in their favor. We’ll let the airbags have a go at them now.

Now I Can Have The Aroma Of Camouflage Waft Through My Bachelor Pad

It can be so emasculating when your girlfriend dares to buy candles with such girly scents as “fresh linen.” All men know that their linens are never fresh. I’m not sure what “man town” smells like, but I’m pretty sure Guy Fieri’s flavor town inspired it.

Photo credit: @TheQueenRegent / Twitter
Photo credit: @TheQueenRegent / Twitter

Now Bath Time Is Like War Time, Yay!

It took a long time, but one genius marketing intern out there figured out how to make men love baths again. Bath time as a little boy is fun because you can play with tiny army men.

Photo credit: @BelleJarTeam / Twitter
Photo credit: @BelleJarTeam / Twitter

Take the concept and make it adult by allowed men to dive-bomb their bath with a soothing mix of black pepper and rosemary essential oils.

When You Need A Tactical Grip On Your Soap So That It Doesn’t Drop And Shatter Your Masculinity

This bar of soap with tactical grip ridges is the perfect bar of soap for any communal prison bathroom.

Photo credit: @milkandcooki_ / Twitter
Photo credit: @milkandcooki_ / Twitter

If you’re headed to the slammer on charges on insider trading, and you’re sharing shower time with a 1st-degree murderer, you no longer need to worry about dropping that soap.

Now People Can’t Question Your Masculinity When You Touch Your Own Butt

I know that men love to walk around naked in the locker room and slap each other’s butts, but that’s different than wiping your own. Wiping with confidence isn’t an easy skill to learn.

Photo credit: @elly_eloise / Twitter
Photo credit: @elly_eloise / Twitter

Thankfully Dude Wipes has come to the rescue to coddle the men of the world and their butts.

This Is Definitely Not Makeup, No Way

There is absolutely no way that this is anything like the concealer than women use to cover zits. No way. Women’s makeup doesn’t come in manly colors like “amber ale.”

Photo credit: @KivaBay / Twitter
Photo credit: @KivaBay / Twitter

Because if this was makeup, then women could turn the tables and suggest going swimming on a first date with a guy to make sure they’re not hiding anything.