Things That Could Only Ever Happen In Texas
No one wants to be stereotyped, but Texas makes it pretty easy. There are a few things that we all think of when we hear the word 'Texas,' like trucks, guns, raw meat, wild weather, and a good ol' ten-gallon hat. I'm sure there is more to life in the Lone Star state than shooting guns and driving around, but they don't do themselves any favors.
The harsh reality is that Texas is in a league of their own. No amount of jerky and cowboy boots could make a New Yorker fit in at the country bar in Dallas. Where else in America can you get a free gun when you buy your girl a diamond? Only in Texas.
No One In Texas Is Careful Until Biscuits And Gravy Are On The Line
Once a year Texas will get a freak snowstorm that lays down one inch of light snow, and people freak out. It's like the apocalypse has hit and no one knows what to do.
This advice from the local weather station is the only way to get people to understand that you can't just pray the snow away.
This Little Girl Just Wants It To Be Her Turn
In any other state, this dad shooting a crossbow while holding his daughter on his back would be enough to get child services interested. But in Texas, this is a casual Tuesday afternoon.
He's been doing this since he was her age, so I have faith that she's safe.
That's A Heck Of A Deal
Not only does the movie American Sniper stand for everything Texas believes in, the real-life hero Chris Kyle was an Odessa, Texas native. Kyle learned his sharpshooting skills by killing deer with his dad. He's the hero of a generation of Texans.
Even The Squirrels In Texas Follow Their Own Rules
On your left, you'll find a dramatic representation Davy Crockett single-handedly fighting a member of the Mexican troop at The Alamo.
On your right, you can see a Texas squirrel expanding his cultural horizons to include Italian food such as pasta alongside his diet of steak and Dr. Pepper.
Do Horses Come With Cupholders?
From what I understand, taking your horse through any drive-thru in Texas is about as normal as serving sweet tea and biscuits on a Sunday afternoon. But I need to know the logistics of riding a horse while balancing a tall non-fat mocha latte with soy milk and no foam.
One unexpected leap and that latte is all over your horse's mane.
No One Gets Lonely In The Lone Star State
Just imagine it. You get lost in the desert, and a cowboy rides up to save you from dehydration. He lifts you up on his horse and hands you the most romantic gift of all: a heart-shaped steak. You two ride off into the sunset to go home and grill it up. I'm shedding tears of joy right now.
Those Leather Seats Can Get Hot In The Summer
Texas trucks are bigger than most minivans across the country, so they have a lot of real estate to cool down. If you love your truck, you've got to keep those leather seats cool.
We've all thought about doing this on the sweltering days. They're just the only ones who can pull off doing it.
Ted Cruz Definitely Sponsored This Billboard
You'd think in a state with such relaxed open-carry laws that parents would be able to threaten their children into staying celibate. But apparently, they still need billboards to drive the point home.
The best part about this advertisement is the fake names they used for the testimonials. Ima Waiten won't risk Ted Cruz's wrath just for some terrible teenage sex.
Is This How You Know You're In The Texan Hood?
I have two questions. First of all, if you can get these boots down, will it be like the movie Like Mike? If you wear them do you magically become as talented as Willy Nelson? And second of all, since when to cowboy boots come with laces? Someone from the Lone Star state has some explaining to do.
Finally, A Reason For Millennials To Buy Diamonds Again
If we learned anything from the American Sniper-jerky combo deal, it's that Texas knows how to market their products. They know that rough and tumble country kids don't need diamonds, but if you're getting a free rifle with it, then why not?
Millennials across the rest of America may be too busy buying avocado toast to buy diamonds, but the business is booming in Texas.
A Silly Tornado Won't Stop Them From Enjoying America's Pastime
One inch of snow might make everyone down south lose their minds, but weather barely affects them the rest of the year. You can have a huge tornado touch down a couple miles away from the baseball stadium, and no one will blink an eye.
Unless the tornado lands on the field, the beer and peanuts will keep flowing.
Just Trying To Fit In With Everyone Else Who Has A Truck
If you can't shoot a pheasant out of the air and you don't have a huge truck bed to transport your rifle, then are you really from Texas? Sometimes the pressure to fit in can be so great that people resort to cutting off the top of a van just to be accepted.
Come To The Bank Of 'Merica And Invest In Your Local Belt Buckle Industry
People will say this was a freak coincidence, but let's be real. It's a tactical marketing strategy by the Bank of America. They know that people are still angry after that whole "2008 economic crash" thing and that they need to regain trust.
There's no better way to do that then by connecting with people, talking the talk, and walking the walk.
You'll Have To Go To Arizona If You Want To Mess With Rattlesnakes
It's a known fact that the only place with more dangerous animals than Texas is Australia. In Texas, it's a casual Wednesday afternoon walk if you pass by two deadly rattlesnakes.
It's even normal to encounter a spider eating a hummingbird, or a wasp the size of a large coin. Everything's bigger in Texas, including the 800-pound alligators.
End The Impossible Standards Set By Texas. All Bovines Are Beautiful
Only in Texas would you find mannequins simultaneously disrespect humans and bovines. Not only is it impossible for your everyday Texas sugar mom to achieve this look, but now her cow Bessy can't either. Stop the discrimination and show that every cow and bull in the great state of Texas is beautiful.
This Subaru Dealership Sign Proves That The Japanese Understand Texas
Most dealerships will warn you not to keep any valuables in your vehicle while it's in for a tune-up. But in Texas, whiskey and guns are just as common as spare change.
It's interesting that they don't tell you to remove your beer from the vehicle. That's because Natural Light is valid currency in most Texas counties.
Not The Street To Test The Neighborhood Watch
The only thing more terrifying than the crossroad of Gatling Gun Lane and Gun Fight Street is the neighborhood watch sign right underneath. You know that this is the safest street in America.
I don't even think Mormons would be willing to go door-to-door on this street.
A Hot Day Shouldn't Stop Your Dog From Getting Some Exercise
When we think of Texas, we think of a man and his beloved horse. But they love their dogs just as much down there. Just because you can't ride a dog to the drive-thru doesn't mean Texans don't take good care of them.
This man likes to kill two birds with one stone by giving both his dog and his horse some quality exercise.
The Whataburger Customers Are Starting To Revolt
The issue here isn't that the Houston police aren't doing their jobs correctly. It's that if they keep doing this, they'll inspire a Whataburger revolt. No one wants customers to start an uprising against police. We all know how it will end.
Soon, the original Whataburger restaurant in Odessa, Texas will be the new historical Alamo site.
Just Your Typical Grocery Store Aisle In Texas
Here we can see a visual representation of the diet of any Texas boy between age 8-13. At this stage in their life, they are surviving solely off cheeseballs until their grandfather gifts them their first full-size hunting rifle.
Once they master the rifle, they can start adding fresh meat and beer to their diet.
