All The Best (And Worst) Adventures Of Florida Man

Florida has the 5th best economy in America and gives us the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios, but their greatest gift to the world is that it keeps on delivering incredible news headlines. I’m not sure what is in the water in Florida, but it makes people do some crazy things.

These headlines usually start with “Florida man” and go on to explain some of the craziest scenarios you could think up. Just when you think real life can’t get any more surreal, Florida Man comes to the rescue. In the sunshine state, it’s totally normal to use an alligator as a deadly weapon. Florida Man is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Hey, If You’re Already In Trouble, Why Not?

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Photo credit: @_FloridaMan / Twitter

Police pulled over Daryl Riedel for driving under the influence (bad), but when the officer approached his car, Reidel got out of the car and chugged an open beer (iconic).

Yes, driving drunk is wrong, but Riedel was shown to have three other DUI’s and a fourth one pending, so he’s past the point of no return.

Justice For Pancake Florida Man

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Photo credit: @DonutOperator / Twitter

This might be one of the most dangerous adventures Florida Man goes on. Eating pancakes in the middle of a busy street might seem harmless, but I know that eating a delicious pancake can be euphoric.

He could get so distracted by the syrupy goodness that he wouldn’t even notice a car come up.

Joyriding With Your Pet Monkey Is A Casual Tuesday Night In Florida

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Photo credit: @ajc / Twitter

Not only was Cody Blake Henson arrested for theft of a vehicle, but the police also charged him for not having a permit for his pet monkey. When officers opened the door, they found Monk the monkey wearing a diaper and clinging to his chest. It’s always sad to see a man separated from his child.

The man coming up was charged for using a deadly weapon, but it’s exactly what you think it is.

Can Anyone Identify The Suspect Using A Transparent Bag As A Mask?

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Photo credit: @_FloridaMan / Twitter

Florida Man isn’t always the sharpest crayon in the box. This man was caught on surveillance trying to rob a Gamestop. Unfortunately for him, the disguise of choice was a transparent plastic bag.

That bag is doing nothing to hide his face, and probably just making it harder to breathe. What a trainwreck.

Ravioli, Ravioli, Give Me The Formuoli To Make Bail

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Photo credit: @_FloridaMan / Twitter

This man and an accomplice tried to break into the house of an ex-lover and burn it down by leaving a pot of Ragu sauce burning on the stovetop. When officers arrived, a dishcloth had just caught fire.

The victim obviously thought the idea was stupid when they told officers, “who gets up 2 a.m. and fixes sketti.”

Throwing An Alligator Counts As Possession Of A Deadly Weapon

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Photo credit: @Bossip / Twitter

This Florida Man claimed that throwing an alligator into the drive-thru window at a local Wendy’s was just a prank. The police disagreed and charged him with assault with a deadly weapon. I guess an alligator can be fatal, but maybe try a Nerf Gun for a prank next time.

Not every Florida Man is heartless. The one coming up stops mid-crime to do something truly heartwarming.

You Can See The Remorse In His Eyes

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Photo credit: @6CentsRose / Twitter

Kids, don’t do drugs. Just think about what would happen if this had been a real friend instead of an imaginary one.

I’ve never seen a man with more regret painted on his face. It could have been worse. He could have been that guy on bath salts that ate someone’s face.

Was It Worth The Insurance Money?

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Photo credit: @barstoolsports / Twitter

I assumed that all criminals were hyperaware of the law when they committed a crime. But I guess making sure the insurance payment comes through is more important than your innocence.

He’ll need to use some of those beauty products he stole to cover up the stain of regret on his face.

Florida Man Has A Heart

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Photo credit: @BenjaminEnfield / Twitter

I have to hand it to this guy. Stealing a car is wrong, but he took the high road and returned the baby. I’m not sure why he didn’t just abandon the entire plan and leave the car behind. I want to believe he’s a father who has his own emergency to deal with and needed a vehicle to take his child somewhere.

Florida Man has to have a Florida Woman, and she has the most ironic name.

Hit Me With That Frosted Raspberry Any Day

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Photo credit: @BSO / Twitter

I don’t really care why this guy decided to beat up another person using a Pop-Tart, I care about how. I don’t understand how it wouldn’t just crumble immediately on impact.

The most damage I can imagine is if the Pop-Tart was stale and he used the corner to scratch the other person’s face.

Florida Man Does Not Sound Like A Good Parent

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Photo credit: @WESH / Twitter

Maybe if you wanted your child to chill out, you shouldn’t have distracted him with two slices of cake so you could watch Judge Judy in peace. This man knowingly fed a Xanax to his girlfriend’s child on a nacho chip so the child wouldn’t be put off by the taste.

Luckily, she came home in time to wake the child and make sure they were okay.

She Was Born To Do Crystal Meth

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Photo credit: @FOX13News / Twitter

Arresting a woman named Crystal Methvin for drug possession of crystal meth is only a story that could exist in Florida. There are a lot of reasons why people turn to drugs, but Crystal didn’t stand a chance after being born with a name like that. It’s almost as if her parents knew what her life would be like.

Coming up, if you’re the criminal then maybe you shouldn’t ask the police for help.

Find You A Ride Or Die Like This

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Photo credit: @BillyCorben / Twitter

Get comfy, because there’s a lot more to this story to unpack. She was left without legs after a shootout years earlier in a Burger King. She then failed to meet her parole requirements, so her boyfriend decided to help out by hiding her in a plastic storage container.

It must be true love because now he’s also doing time for aiding and abetting a criminal.

I Get Why It’s Wrong, But It Could Be Worse

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Photo credit: @OfficialJoelF / Twitter

We have to trust our police and justice system to put child predators behind bars, but some people feel the need to take the law into their own hands.

Threatening to barbecue child offenders isn’t the right choice, but there are worse things to be accused and arrested for.

Congrats, You Played Yourself

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Photo credit: @IndyWorld / Twitter

That’s probably the easiest drug bust the police have ever encountered. I wonder if this Florida Man tried to press charges against his drug dealer before or after he was arrested himself. If he’s going down for this, he’s taking everyone else involved with him.

The couple coming up were involved in a complicated plan that could only ever happen in Florida.

Husbands Should Know That Tone Is Everything

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Photo credit: @beta_talk / Twitter

These two must have had some other issues because a Google search can’t be enough to shoot someone. According to the woman, her husband asked her to Google a project template for their business, and she didn’t like the tone he asked her with.

Apparently, everything else is a blur. Florida makes you do crazy things.

It Gets Better And Better With Every Sentence

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Photo credit: @alexdecampi / Twitter

Please, take a minute to read through this entire newspaper clipping. You have everything. You have an alien Jesus, flying saucers, drugs (obviously), solid gold tickets, and a baby alligator.

Con artists are usually creative masterminds, but this Florida couple is on an entirely different level. I’d pay $99.99 just to meet these people in person.

I Absolutely Believe It

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Photo credit: @wsvn / Twitter

This man looks like his only goal in life is to ruin a child’s happiness. What did he do next? Tell them Santa Claus isn’t real? Expose the fact their father is having an affair with the maid?

This is why you can never trust someone with face tattoos.

What Did Those Swans Ever Do To You?

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Photo credit: @Saycheese_media / Twitter

Brennan Huff and Dale Doback would be ashamed that this man took the art of karate and abused it. He is most definitely not invited to do karate in the garage.

Even if you wanted to practice this ancient art, why would he think swans are an appropriate target? Use a wooden block or a punching bag.

He Believes He’s Captain Kirk

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Photo credit: @_FloridaMan / Twitter

This man was arrested for public indecency on a city bus, and his excuse was that it’s okay because he’s actually Captain Kirk from Star Trek. I don’t see any William Shatner or Chris Pine in his face.

Maybe in an alternate timeline, Captain Kirk lands in 2000-era Florida and goes crazy. But I’m pretty sure that’s not canon.