Whether we walk into work, school, or a social gathering, the first thing to do is a quick survey of the room to see where our ride or die is. If they're around, we're sauntering right over prepared to have a good day and not feel completely socially awkward. But if they're not? Well, we might as well just go home because the whole day blows now.
Thankfully, Amazon now sells life-size cardboard cut-outs of whoever you want. So now you can pretend you're not the sad, lonely, socially-inept person you know you are. Just don't talk to it or anything...
Always Have Your Friend Because You're Completely Dependent
A key tool to socially succeeding for an introvert is having an extrovert friend to make friends for you. But what if they're sick at home one day? Just grab a life-size cardboard version of them to fill the void left in your heart because that's not weird at all.
Thankfully, Amazon sells cardboard cut-outs from CutOutMe.com. Then you can get one of your best friend so you don't have to actually talk to anyone else even when they're not around. The cut-outs are life-size too, so at first glance, you can trick people into thinking everything is fine...it's not.
Never Show Up For Work Again
You've definitely scrolled through the internet and seen hundreds of ads for people who work from their couch and make $600 per day and though it's definitely a scam. Well, think again because that can be you with a little ingenuity and $90 in your pocket.
Why show up for work when you can have a cardboard version of yourself do the 9-5 grind for you? Your boss might easily be fooled if you're a wallflower or if they have bad eyesight.
Pet Died? This Is A Close And Terrifying Second
Why stop at missing friends when you can fill every void left by life in your heart? You never really got over the dog that died when you were six, so why start now? Lean into that feeling and get a marginally more socially appropriate version of taxidermy with a cardboard cut-out.
Sure, this version of Fido isn't as fun at the dog park and is significantly less fun to hug, but it won't eat your shoes or pee on the carpet. So, really, it's a smart investment. Especially if you really want to scare your neighbors.